Tuesday, May 31, 2005

Crash Test Dummy- Test Drive Dummy (potato-pahtahto)

Thor and I are in the process of deciding whether we should trade in the family car and get something with less mileage or stick it out and wait for the slow painful death that surely will come with the vehicle we currently own.

This is the deal. The vehicle we currently drive is running well, gets good MPGs, fits everyone -and their duck, cleans up well, has one small "Mom, I backed into the mailbox" dent that isn't too noticeable, and is nice -height and bulk- wise. Other than the high miles it is o.k. But before it begins to fall apart we are thinking maybe jump to a newer model. I want a tank, but I do not want to drive a tank. I have a small problem with most (not all) folks who drive ASSAULT VEHICLES and then expect everyone else to just get out of their way because they will win any fight. (hey, lady at the entrance of the remodel at the only local department store who blocked the ONLY entrance to the store for TEN MINUTES while she tried to get her car around the cones... I MEAN YOU!*) If you own one of these VEHICLES "yea!" for you, but realize with size comes responsibility, park in the spaces out there...yeah, over there in the acreage where you can maneuver that thing without taking us all out. Thanks.

Excuse me, I digress. I want size without feeling like the "before" photo in Jenny Craig. I also want something I can afford to drive. Forget the payment; it's the gas that kills me. Last week I put $57.00 in the car I currently have... and it's "midsized"! Oh, that, and the insurance.

Insurance. Holy Hannah! I am the official poster girl for that tiny little clause in your policy that states "unlucky driver". Yup. Blame me. I'm the reason. I have been hit by EVERY drunk driver* in the tri-state area and then some. If you are bombed outta yo' mind, feel free to just slam into me. If you are in the middle of peace treaty negotiations and just CANNOT hang up that cell phone*, never you mind - I am HERE for ya- and heck, it's been a while so go ahead, the front end of my car is wide open. Want to eat a spaghetti*, or finish that dermabrasion* while entering the 405 during rush hour? Hey I can take it, smash away! You're the doctor performing emergency surgery; that explains your speed*. O.k. then! I can't get mad that you took me out, losing control while passing on the shoulder, excuse me, sorry 'bout that. Turning into traffic is just too exhausting and you need a BRAKE*, I can help you stop and smell the roses for a while. Testing your NASCAR Skills and want to see how fast you can leave your drive way AFTER you see me coming*? Hey, my kids are young, they'll heal. You realize that stop signs* are just suggestions after 9:00 p.m. right? Go ahead, I'll try to stay out of your way. Oh, and I forgot to mention: If you are escaping "incarceration*", finishing up a "pharmaceutical*"deal, or "test driving*" a neighbor's vehicle and the brakes fail, no worries! I will be glad to be the one gal who helps you stop. Just try the passenger's side, it's completely dent free right now. Think of it as a blank canvas. Thanks. Please, don't fret that you NEVER carry insurance. That's what I am here for. By the way, I am independently wealthy, so I never worry about the "can't bleed a turnip" rule. I just forgive and forget and move on.

So yesterday we go to a dealership to peruse what's available. For the price of your own private island in the Bahamas you too can own a new car! It's that easy! I love how they make you feel like a complete loser if you "only have $5,000" to put down on a car. Hey buddy! My sister's first car was $500.00 COMPLETE! We only put $2,000.00 down on our first home! Even with the 5k down the payments would have come out to a mere $506.32! WHAT? And that 32 cents, you're kidding me right? Add that up. 32 times twelve, um dee do- times 5, carry the one, mumble mumble, that comes out to a whopping $19.20. By the time 5 years comes around, that won't even buy me a lousy car wash. 32 cents.

The car we were looking at had all the bells and whistles. You know what bugs me, they don't sell cars anymore without the bells and whistles! I admit I like the keyless entry. But frankly, I still have hands so I can open my own door if I have too. I am a huge fan of air bags (gee, I wonder why?), and I am not opposed to air conditioning in the desert. But really, how many c.d.s am I going to listen to at the same time? Do I need leather seats with lumbar support and heat? I agree they are nice, but do I need that? No, I do not, thank you. I like the idea of "someone" (cue sci-fi music: oooo weeeeeeoooooo) "knowing" when my airbags have deployed, (happens a lot with me, it would be nice to make a new friend while in excruciating pain). I think "all wheel"drive is a grand idea, but haven't all of my wheels been driving already? Just where the heck will I be driving that I will need to "climb". I don't think I want to go there. I just want a car with low miles and good MPGs. Something Thor can sit in and perhaps something to haul around a grandbaby and paint supplies.

Metallic paint. Oooooh! Pretty! I live in the desert. With wind. And dust. And (cue the Sons of the Pioneers...) tumbling tumble weeds. And wind. And coyotes. And wild dogs. And wind. And the neighbors cat. And wind. No matter what paint colour I choose it will most likely look like Apache Tan or Navajo Dusk or perhaps Mudflap Sunset. My dining room table looks like this and it's INSIDE! Hello, do you people live here at all? All I want is a basic paint job.

When the "manager" asks you to fill out paperwork that rivals anything you filled out for your house loan, you know you are in trouble. They wanted "next of kin"! Seriously! Do they think once we sign on, if we die, my brother in law will pay off this loan? If we die, we will feel lucky if our next of kin can come up with enough money to bury us, forget the car. Chances are if we die it will be IN the car anyway. Remember me? I am the unlucky driver!

*Yes, all of these "accidents" have actually happened to S'mee. I have been in so many "accidents" I can't count them, yet, in every case, S'mee has been found innocent of cause, but lucky recipient of effect! I love science!

add to sk*rt

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