Happy New Year!

I've never been much for the whole New Year's resolution tradition, too much public risk and disappointment, which is weird because basically I am a pretty open book, but there you go. I guess it's kind of like breaking a promise to myself or something... don't wanna do that!

However. Things and circumstance always change and change is always good. So in light of the newfangled year and all it brings, here's a bit of a 'to do' list if you will:

Remove the furnishings, carpeting and all, from the "girls" room. Then do the same with the "studio" (heretofore the "boys" room).

Put down commercial grade Berber in both rooms, add new floor moldings.

In the new "guest room" add: a queen sized bed, the "family" dresser, and hang some photos. All this to make access to the bathroom easier and more convenient for guests, and to make a nice place for little people to play and nap closer to mom, dad, and or grandparents.

In the studio: Paint the closet doors chocolate brown. Configure the best way to align solid shelving along one wall, leave enough space for the gynormo (yet fabulous) business desk (soon to be an artist's desk!). Rehang the paper stack and glass shelves and generally make the room back in to a studio.

Put the food storage in the guest closet - finally.

Hang blinds in the front room.

Make a cornice box for the front room window.

Add bark cloth faux drapes to the inside of the cornice box.

Find and purchase a 5x7 rug for the front room.

Hang stuff (to be determined later) on the front room walls.

Rehang the wall arrangement in the hallway.

Repaint the master bedroom.

Repaint the two dressers and two side chests in the master bedroom and add grass cloth inserts, decide if I need/want a headboard of same after seeing the finished furniture.

Paint. Paint on canvas. One painting (at least) per month.

Clear out the "shed" and reorganize the boxes out there. Learn E-Bay and/or garage sale the items and begin to de-clutter on a huge scale.

Use up the crafting materials I have on hand.

Make specific items for sale in two major city open air markets, summer, fall, and winter. Meaning I will have a schedule for assembly line type of crafting to build up product.

Learn loom knitting, which seems pretty easy from what I can tell so far.

Take at least ten photos per day in an effort to become a better photographer.

With Thor, empty out the garage of clutter and sell off what we haven't used in years. Organize it so that more space can be used for the gym equipment we already have.

As far as personal goals are concerned, they will remain personal. However some old habits will be renewed and some forgotten. Continue to work on self reliance and emergency preparedness, adding to and rotating what we already have.

I'll let you know how well the other goals come along and hopefully post some photos as the projects progress.

So Happy New Year everyone! I hope all your goals and resolutions are fun and fulfilled!

I got a problem.

Alrighty then. Perhaps we should just read this in the Church Lady voice and be done with it.

Today's subject: Sex.

(now, evidently,soon to be former) New York Governor Eliot Spitzer and US Girls.

First, the Governor. It's not surprise that a career politician, one who builds that career on "moral" standards, has been caught with a prostitute. It's not a surprise that our tax dollars were paying for all this $1000.00 per hour service. It's not a surprise that the spouse stands beside this politician and says they will work on the marriage. I understand there are marriages where this has happened and that, yes, it can be repaired, my point is that this man's act was for recreation, not an emotional outburst or momentary madness.

Why am I not surprised that this is being played out in t.v. and radio as a common "mistake". Last evening there was an L.A. radio host who said all this could be avoided if prostitution were legal. Really? This is the problem? Evidently. According to this host, men are men, and men need variety and will cheat if they don't get permission to do so. He states that no man should even think about marriage until he is well into his 30s, and then only if he has been with many many women. He even went so far as to suggest those women be from different cultures, countries, etc.... juuuuust to try all he can. Hmm.

It's true that this host felt sorry for the wife, the kids, but in reality they should have seen it coming and this, he explained, is why women always forgive the men who go off to prostitutes. It has nothing to do with intimacy, it's just sex. This, according to his program, was excuse enough. The whole "Boys will be boys!" rule.

Interesting. I married a man; not an animal. I am offended to think that people are just blithely sitting by without protesting this statement that all men are beasts, and will and should conduct themselves without control or self discipline.

The entire program, from I can tell by going back this morning and listening to sound bites, has to do with his agenda at getting prostitution legalized, after all Nevada has figured it out. Legalize it, monitor it, and everyone can be safe while breaking their vows.

One of his guests was a former Hollywood madam and she agreed with all he had to promote. Lovely.

Essentially, because it was with a prostitute, everyone should be o.k. with this. I'm not even talking about the tax money, the laws, the dignity that was destroyed because of this. Heck why should we bother with that? Why is no one bothered that a "leader" has once again broken the trust of the American people? Because we have come to expect it.

Then we have the new report that 1 in 4 girls aged 14 - 19 are infected with an STD. Is this alarming, or is this too, normal human behaviour? "We can't stop people from having sex, teens are gonna have sex!" That's the thinking, right? I have a lot of problems with this study.

I find the timing amazing. Consider all the controversy lately about vaccines. Darn those moms anyway! Now, just when we have a handle on another vaccine, all these moms are wiggin' out and wondering if they should just blindly go forth as we have been trained to do. Or, maybe we need to stop and think a minute about it. So out comes a scare tactic to reinforce the need for a vaccine.

Doesn't anyone wonder if this is another Thalidomide ? Does it concern anyone else that we are vaccinating girls during puberty? Does it occur to anyone that we don't have any concrete long term studies on how this will affect their reproductive health later? Back in the day "the pill" was a new thing, a "hope", for women every where because heck, we were gonna have sex anyway, right? It was a band aide that was supposed to put everyone at ease.

The problem is that it is just that, birth control, not pregnancy prevention. We still get pregnant, it's just the birth that has become controlled. Back in the day no one knew personally of a women who was actually considered "barren". It almost seemed biblical. No one heard of anyone going to get help with fertilization; that was rare. Now, swing a cat and hit a couple who have fertility issues. Could the fact that we all have succumbed to the chemical cures that we are forgetting to connect the dots?

It's easier to just take a pill, to get a vaccine, than to do what it takes to avoid things we are not ready for. So let's all march our young girls down and get them vaccinated against a preventable disease. Yes, preventable.

Another problem I have with this report is the "girls only" angle. Are these girls born with STD? No, and the study implies (rightly so) that they have had sex. But with other girls or were there boys involved as well? If so, then how many boys have STD? Why aren't we concerned about warning them? The answer they are giving us is, that with the boys, there is rarely physical evidence or signs, with girls there is. O.k., but still, shouldn't there be something said about both genders? Shouldn't we be worried about the boys too?

How about that "black girl" stat? I tell you, I'm not black and I am furious over this. Where were these studies taken? In large cities. Were there 50 white girls and 50 black girls studied and they found these stats from that data? Were the girls completely honest? There are too many variables. Maybe it's not even 1 out of 4 girls. Did they test girls from all kinds of families, neighborhoods, classes, races, religions, regions, etc. etc. etc? Or perhaps the control group they chose could bend the outcome. Anyone who has taken a high school math class can see how stats can be bent.

On a hot day, give every teen in a crowd their choice of Pepsi or Water. Count how many teens are wearing black shirts. Count how many kids in that crowd wearing black shirts choose the Pepsi. Chances are the conclusion can be drawn that teens who drink Pepsi have a tendency to wear black shirts. Black can be a sign of Goth or depressed behaviour, i.e. Pepsi causes depression in teens. Forget the fact that 99% of the teens in the high school across the street wear black as a "cool" colour choice and that most teens enjoy a soda on a hot day. Stats can be skewed.

I'm a little ticked here. Tell the world that 1/4th of all your girls are sleeping around and spreading disease. Scare the crap out of everyone. Don't worry about the future outcome, that's why we have lawyers. Assume your children are idiots and without self control. Have them punched up with chemicals to avoid a disease that can be avoided completely. Make some pharmaceutical companies some cold hard cash. What other choice do you have?

It's easy. Talk to your kids. Both genders. Tell them who they are. Tell them they are worth more. Tell them they deserve more. Tell them how and why to wait. Expect more. Trust them to do just that. Educate them with as much information as you can. Give them some credit for being more than animals.

Extreme Makeover...

Wow. Today was great. Church had some really awesome lessons, the best one, I think, in Relief Society. The Extreme Makeover.

The teacher opened with three different Top Ten lists on New Year's Resolutions. One from the city of Brotherly Love, Philadelphia. Their top resolution? Spend more time with family; followed by the usual stuff, lose weight, quit smoking, fix the house up, etc. The second list mentioned many of the same items, and the third made me sit up and take notice. It began...

#1. Never again see someone cold, hungry, or without hope. Find a way to help these people before you leave their presence.

Let me tell you, I heard the Spirit very distinctly and I knew before the day was out one person I knew of would not be cold or hungry again this winter.

The teacher pointed out that all of these resolutions were great, some even admirable, and that a lot of them were very predictable. How do I rid myself of having to repeat the same resolution again, or in other words, How can I finally achieve all this, and have it stick?

She brought out a Barbie doll. We'd all like to be like Barbie. Thin, fit, great job, pretty smile, nice house, fast car and liked by everyone. But how do we get there? Dr. Hollywood. Dr. Hollywood comes along and we can pay him thousands of dollars to Nip and Tuck, Make us the Biggest Loser, and/or give us the Extreme Makeover.

First up, Lasik Eye Surgery to see more clearly. She asked us to think in the terms of the Saviour who advised us to pull the beam from our own eye before we set out to pluck the mote from our [sister's] eye. Good advice. Seeing other folks as the Lord sees them would indeed give us an eye lift that would make us feel better about who looks back at us when we look in the mirror. Spiritual clarity when looking at the world would help us in all kinds of ways!

Dr. Hollywood would charge $3,500, The Lord asks us to be obedient to His laws and Commandments, and to donate 10% of our earnings.

Next, Rhinoplasty. The perfect nose! Again, she helped us see that the Lord asks us to keep our nose out of other people's business, into good books, and to the grindstone. This would make anyone's nose more attractive.

Luscious full lips are all the rage right now. The stores are full of chemical enhancers called lip venom that, when applied, will swell the lips into the desired plump kissable mouth we all want. We can pay Dr. Hollywood $20.00 for lip venom, or thousands for collagen implants; or we can do as the Lord has asked and speak kind words, avoid speaking ill of others, never lying or stretching the truth, and finding ways to lift someone else will lift us as well. Again, it costs 10% and obedience.

She went on to talk about saggy necks that could be lifted surgically or doing facial exercises like smiling and keeping our head high as we go through trials. That tummy tuck or perhaps fasting and donating the money spent on two skipped meals to those who have nothing to eat. Gastric By-Pass or perhaps following the Lord's diet of healthy foods that are fresh, and good exercise. Following the Lord's plan adds a bonus of a healthier mind and Spirit too, for no extra cost. Angioplasty to unblock a clogged artery or maybe acts of love to open up our heart? Flabby underarms could be liposucked or perhaps wrapping those same arms around someone alone or frightened or lost would be more beneficial in the long run.

The lesson had many illustrations for a complete head to toe makeover that would be so much better for us in the long run, because it would strengthen our Spirit as well as our body. No money involved, just commitment to the Lord and following His example and commandments.

It was a fun, motivating and Spiritual lesson. I am so glad she taught it. It was really a good day.

While you were out...

Because Lisa asked so nicely here you go. Episode one of S'mee's version. A few years ago we bought our little house on the prairie, uh, desert. At that time it was a rental and it was (and in many cases still is) a mess. We had rented it for a very long time but the owner refused to allow any deep maintenance ( like painting or even shampooing the carpet) because he was afraid of being sued. Go figure. So after much abuse, the house needed HELP!

S'mee was shopping around and found high-middle of the road wood laminate flooring for about $1.00. Trust me, that is rare. So I convinced Thor this was worth it and we bought tons of it. That in itself is a great story, perhaps tomorrow...

If anyone knows S'mee and Thor they know us as the gal with patience and The Procrastinator! (you really need to say it like Ahnold, "I'll be back!"...just way later.) Anyway, it took for. ev. er. for Thor to get around to actually laying it down. When it finally happened, it took one entire day for the guys to figure it out. The packaging says "snap and click!" but the directions say otherwise. Forget the instructions. After #4 came home from work they got the first room laid in mere moments. But by then it was dark and everyone was pooped.

(Crickets chirping) Several months later there was still a large stack of packages on my concrete front room floor. Like I said before, S'mee is fairly patient. So there it sat, waiting for another free Saturday and Thor's gumption to kick start the project again.

It was now the fall and time to pick up #3 from her Temple Square Mission. 18 months had flown by and she was ready to be picked up. So Thor and I hopped in the minivan and spent three days making the trip. There was some miscommunication and the trip should have been about 5 -7 days, but it ended up at 3 and we were home again.

As we drove up to the house (about 9:00 p.m.) I noticed the white front door was now painted a deep rich blue. As I walked into the house there were all of our other kids and their spouses, standing on my newly planted wood floor and newly painted room! It seems that #2 had planned for some time to gather up the siblings and any other help he could find and get the job done. The exterior trim had been painted from brown to blue as well. You could have knocked me over.

This was probably one of the best surprises I have ever had and Thor, well, he isn't a guy to surprise, but they got him too.

Fast forward a couple of months. S'mee is looking at ads and finds, once again, wood flooring to match the already laid stuff on sale again for $1.00 a foot. Thor consents and we now have a grand stack of packaging sitting in the hallway for what has now been about 8 months.

Hint hint: We will be gone for about 10 days in November.....

A Venting Housewife Speaks

A few weeks back I was with a group of friends that I blog with over at Conversation. The evening went very well, and it was so nice to finally meet these incredible women and put a face to their words. However, at one point ,as I am want to do, I spewed forth my passionate opinion in a way that came off as a confused mess of words; more than likely not ones that expressed what I was really trying to say, but rather just words.

The subject was "feminism". A hot one for sure and one that I am indeed passionate about. I used to label myself as a feminist. Now I try not to label myself at all, because as I have grown older I realize that everything is black and white, but also shades of gray. (here comes that split personality...) It's is like the story of Les Miserables. Stealing is stealing and to take something that is not yours is wrong. But if you are starving and take a loaf of bread to survive it is much different than stealing a car just for the thrill of it. Black and white, shades of gray.

Feminism. S'mee has incredible problems living in a society that is considered to be the leader of the world in human rights, yet denies so many of these basic rights still. S'mee thinks all of the Congress, Senate and local leaders should "vacation" in the Ozarks for two weeks and live as the Mountain Folk do. Perhaps then we could get somewhere with medical aide, and social programs that would actually help. We have third world conditions within our own borders that seem to elude most of us. Have we not seen the mentally ill out on the street? Have we not witnessed the "not in my back yard" attitude that places more ill in neighborhoods that are to the brink already?

In 2005 how can the United States of America allow states to refuse entrance to country clubs due to religion and race and in some cases sex? However S'mee can understand the rights of refusal to allow entrance to religious buildings due to one's religion and adherence to its' particular laws. It's a conundrum.

S'mee is horrified at the reality of the situation of women in many countries around the world where women are not only devalued, but ignored as human beings. This is where the feminists should focus passions.

S'mee is angry that in some states in our blessed Union, women have lip service as far as their legal rights, but in reality men abuse their power and these same women are underpaid and worse. Case in point, S'mee's daughters having a more difficult time receiving grants, scholarships, and loans, due to their sex and marital status and lack of children.; while men and minorities with the exact same qualification as these young women are eligible for loans, aide, etc.. The U.S. and state governments encourage single women to have children out of wedlock in order to receive financial aide. (#3 was asked to get pregnant without marriage and #5 was told that "your mom needs to be dead and your dad needs to be in prison" before either would qualifiy for certain loans/aide. Both daughters have GPA's 3.9 and above and always have.) This is a "legal" way to oppress women.

S'mee agrees that there are true reasons to be and to label oneself as "feminist". However, S'mee feels it rediculous to label oneself as a feminist and then complain about the oppressions one places upon herself. If I allow you to oppress me, who's fault is it? If I choose to be abused, who is the abuser? I am not talking about women who find themselves in situations, marriages or countries where they have been lulled into abuse. S'mee has and continues to work with Domestic Violence Shelters and acknowledges the patterns of abuse that lead to psychological slavery. I am talking about making free and clear choices and then complaining about it when we could change it if we would. About allowing someone to demean me in my presence and not taking a stand to correct it.

S'mee gets angry at women who, through their "own free will and choice", have said "yes" to husband and children and then complain about their "burdens". Women who live in relative freedom to do as they wish, with husbands who work (either alone or along side of the same women) for the benefit of the family and then complain about their living conditions.

These same women gripe and complain about the silliest things, things which given a few years perspective will appear as just that - silly. Women who have been given challenges such as, "Change Diaper, gasp, make dinner, gasp, pay bills, gasp, doctors appointments, gasp, odd jobs to make ends meet, gasp, entertain 3 young’en, gasp, clean clean clean, gasp, ballet lessons, gasp, avoid punks, gasp, blog, gasp, practice piano, gasp, prepare sunday school lesson, gasp, panic, panic, gasp, gasp. Ahhhhh !!!!!!"1 ; they chose to receive, and then are upset because this is all they have to accomplish. You are the mom. You chose to be a mom. You can act like the mom. Moms have to teach right and wrong and keep the offspring alive and relatively healthy. (Mosiah 4:14-15) You can say "no" once in a while. No one said your kids had to do every thing they want; that food had to be this or that, trendy clothes, or to go to every party they are invited to; no one said the dishes couldn't wait an hour or two or even overnight. You don't have to beat yourself up trying to be the best in town, just the best you.

Did I miss something here? Did the woman who wrote this complaint live in a cave before she was drug -blindfolded, ear plugged, and gagged and forced at gunpoint into her situation, never knowing what was in store for her as a married mother of -gasp- 3 young'en? I think this and statements similar to it reflect the youth, inexperience and ignorance of the authors. Statements like the above make it sound as if this woman was not responsible for her consequences. Perhaps she could have written the following as an explanation. "I was so uneducated about American society and motherhood. I was unobservant as to what it meant to say "yes" to all this. I never noticed my own home life as a child or young adult, I never read a book, I never watched a movie or t.v. I was so self absorbed as a child/young woman that I actually thought married life would be different! I didn't realize that I myself stayed at home needing a mom for 18+ years. I don't know how to say to my husband, "I am pooped, I need help." I had no idea the lug that I married was this way before I chose to marry him. He changed and I stayed the same as I was in high school, pretty, slim, and sweet. I don't know how to communicate my needs and wants and I just take whatever is dished out. I want to complain because I was duped!"

S'mee is frantic with the "feminists" who attached themselves to any religion and then complain about its' statutes and laws. (This does not include women who have grown up in repressive societies where "religion" has been chosen for them, without free will.) Women who accept covenants and laws and receive gifts, keys, and blessings knowing the rewards/consequences and then complain at being uncomfortable with their choice. Women who stand united and raise their hands to sustain leaders and then complain about whom they "sustain". Women who do accept these things, then complain about them say to the world, "I was ignorant and made the choice without regard to the result. I went in blind and came out mad." The women who write these complaints seem educated and able to read, why have they chosen so wrongly? And, whose fault is their condition?

Women who vote for this leader or that and then complain while said leader is in office. Women who complain about the children of the world who are essentially slave labour in foreign countries, and workers of both genders who are enslaved in off shore companies and then turn around and shop at Banana Republic, Jones New York, Abercrombie and Fitch, and other "fine" manufacturers who do such practices as "good business". Women who shop Walmart because they want to pay less while others are being paid less due to their sex to work and maintain the store (and it's profit margin). Women who say they are feminists who really just are self-ists.

S'mee thinks most (not all) of these women have latched onto a cause in an effort to vent their self anger and blame someone else for their poor choices. Women who need validation from other "smart intelligent" women instead of finding their own worth. Women who, for some odd reason, can't feel their own worth because they are worried about the differences in biological functions. Women who buy into what they hear instead of searching it out for themselves, or who close their minds to the fact that they just might learn something later they don't understand now. Women who forget that there is always Someone smarter and that eventually all things will make sense; eventually can mean in a year or two, or eternally. Women who think they are as smart as they will ever be and no one else understands more than they. Women who by their own words say they are valued, but search out daily those who would demean them and devalue them. They feed upon the muck of the world instead of really making a difference. They gather together like geese, and snap at anyone who oppose them in view. Isn't that a main point of feminism? To allow each individual the right to think their own thoughts? Perhaps it only means you have the right to agree with me but not to disagree, or you are stupid, uneducated, or have your head in the sand. ( I know, I can hear you now. I have just said the same. But at least I am acknowledging I can be wrong.)

I propose feminism to be a doctrine advocating the social, political, and economic rights for women equal to those of men. If that means you are upset about your religion, leave it. If your boyfriend is a jerk don't marry him. If your husband demeans you, correct him. If you don't want to be a mom, don't become pregnant in the first place. If anyone abuses or demeans you, don't put up with it, do something meaningful to change that. Use your votes in ways that matter. Work for the things that will matter in the long run. Do not accept lower wages for the same quality work and do not support merchants who do. Stop shopping without researching where and how it came into that store. Stop worrying about being the same as your neighbors, you're not and you never will be. Stop killing yourself trying to be what others want you to be. Find your own value and build your relationship with God. Stop mocking sacred things you do not yet have a full understanding of.

If I say that I am XYZ then people who read me will assume, whether for good or ill, that all I say somehow reflects on XYZ. There is a responsibility I have to try to represent XYZ folk in a reasonable manner. If I then choose to ridicule XYZ folk, practices, or leaders that is also a reflection. I hope that what I choose to proclaim does not reflect poorly on that which I deem most high and of value, including my own sex.

Perhaps some of these women could re-label themselves, Venting Housewives, and it would be more appropriate.

1. quote taken from the blog "Feminist Mormon Housewives"

childhood

Over at Conversation they are having a thread on the book, "The Secret Life Of Bees". It struck me that some folks actually had such good childhoods they could not/cannot comprehend the disastrous situations that may occur in others. It is hard for them to conceive of children being traumatized to the points they are by people who "love" them. Or that life in general hand some folks a lot more odd/dangerous/unrealistic events than "normal" kids. I think this is a good thing in a way. Seeing the world as a place where "too much" is over the top and could never have happened.

For me, it was often the opposite. The "too much" was my reality and I could not comprehend, even into my adulthood, that things could be "as good" as they were sometimes portrayed. Life was a never ending drama filled with running from and into adult troubles, terror, and living like people in the newspapers and t.v. As an adult I find it amusing that I can relate to almost any situation via a personal childhood experience!

I had a mother that "loved" me. For me, from my viewpoint, which may or may not be correct, I felt that love was different than the love my siblings shared with dear ol' mom. I can hear you saying, "Well, DUH! Every kid feels like the picked on one." It's Tommy Smothers all over again, "Ma always did love you best." But I really felt the difference.

There are too many reference points I could illustrate, but after I had grown up and looked it all over, I could see that each of my siblings felt the same real lack of love, just in different areas of their own. We have a "different" kind of mom. Love is there, but it isn't the love we feel for our own children and for our spouses; and that has made things very clear for us as adults. It's the kind of love that has to be there out of some sort of responsibility or to keep "losing face" at bay. The kind of love that is there to promote one's self sacrificing when really, the sacrificing wasn't there- or could have been diminished by being a "normal" definition of "mom". She worked hard, no one doubted that, but the whole mom gig wasn't her cup of tea; and we all felt it and carried the burden we gave her with us - even to this day. (mom=sacrifice kid=burden, pick a category and label yourself. we were an ungrateful, greedy, collective burden to mom's selfless and never-ending sacrifice.)

The following is an illustration at how I began to grow out of childhood thinking and into what was reality or the "norm".
When I was 2 months pregnant with #3 my appendix burst. If you have ever had this experience you know the kind of pain and how it progresses. It began for me as a "really bad intestinal flu" and progressed to the stage where I literally could not un-coil myself from a fetal position. I was sane enough, but MAN! it was pretty intense.

At the point of not being able to function enough to care for the two older, yet toddler-esque children I did not panic, but went through my options for assistance. #1 Thor. He was at work, far from home and would be home later that night tired, but could take over if I was not better. So I thought, "better try for someone else who can just take the kids for a few hours." This led me to review friends first. This was prior to cell phones and after finding no one home I resorted to the sisters in law who lived in my community. 2 of them were also not home, but the third was. Let me tell you it was very difficult for me to call this woman and ask for a favor, but by this time I was concerned for my children and needed help whether or not it was via this sister in law. It wasn't that she and I didn't get along, it was just this gal doesn't open the door to her own mother who may have traveled a while to see her. (but that's a different dysfunctional family!) I made the call and, to her credit, she came over.

One look at my ability to mask pain, she pronounced her diagnosis: not the flu, but losing the baby! I knew, deep inside, that I was not losing the baby, but forgetting all the Marcus Welby MD episodes I had seen, I dis-associated the "lower right side+intense pain" equaling appendicitis and clung to "flu" instead. That, and there is no possible way one can be pregnant and have appendicitis, right? So I just wanted her to take the kids until Thor got home. She would not have it and we headed to the hospital that was one hour away.

I called my mom. I told her my sis-in-law thought I was losing the baby and was headed to the hospital. She replied with questions and a follow up of "let me know how it goes." Which in reality did not shock me, nor hurt my feelings. I did not expect any other reaction and the phone call was just to inform her of the daily happenings.

After waking up from surgery I was faced with strong wrath from my father-in-law. His anger and absolute rage sprang from not being called, from not being allowed to care for me. I almost couldn't wrap my mind around why he was so angry at not being called. My end of it was reason. "If I called my own mother and she didn't seem interested, why the heck would you?" Even I knew that a mom (supposedly) was the one person you could count on, that one person who loved you above all others. And if she didn't care, no one else would or should! I couldn't understand that my father-in-law was scared to death for my safety, my child's safety, and had been insulted by not being allowed to help, pray, or even just take care of the grandkids. I couldn't understand how he could worry that much about me. I could get that he actually loved me, it was weird. Really weird. All that fuss because he loved me.

Childhood ideas taught me that I didn't matter. Grown up events began to change things, although there are still bugs in the system that was wired so long ago.

Now, the first call for help is to those I can trust to help me. I go where I can count on love. Dear mother is frustrated when she sees that I actually get along with other folks, it hurts her feelings and I feel guilty over it. But eventually one learns about real love. About real sacrifice. About real burden.

And eventually one learns that not everyone had the funkiness that I had. Some had the ideal. Some had good. And some grew up a lot faster than even I did.