A Venting Housewife Speaks

A few weeks back I was with a group of friends that I blog with over at Conversation. The evening went very well, and it was so nice to finally meet these incredible women and put a face to their words. However, at one point ,as I am want to do, I spewed forth my passionate opinion in a way that came off as a confused mess of words; more than likely not ones that expressed what I was really trying to say, but rather just words.

The subject was "feminism". A hot one for sure and one that I am indeed passionate about. I used to label myself as a feminist. Now I try not to label myself at all, because as I have grown older I realize that everything is black and white, but also shades of gray. (here comes that split personality...) It's is like the story of Les Miserables. Stealing is stealing and to take something that is not yours is wrong. But if you are starving and take a loaf of bread to survive it is much different than stealing a car just for the thrill of it. Black and white, shades of gray.

Feminism. S'mee has incredible problems living in a society that is considered to be the leader of the world in human rights, yet denies so many of these basic rights still. S'mee thinks all of the Congress, Senate and local leaders should "vacation" in the Ozarks for two weeks and live as the Mountain Folk do. Perhaps then we could get somewhere with medical aide, and social programs that would actually help. We have third world conditions within our own borders that seem to elude most of us. Have we not seen the mentally ill out on the street? Have we not witnessed the "not in my back yard" attitude that places more ill in neighborhoods that are to the brink already?

In 2005 how can the United States of America allow states to refuse entrance to country clubs due to religion and race and in some cases sex? However S'mee can understand the rights of refusal to allow entrance to religious buildings due to one's religion and adherence to its' particular laws. It's a conundrum.

S'mee is horrified at the reality of the situation of women in many countries around the world where women are not only devalued, but ignored as human beings. This is where the feminists should focus passions.

S'mee is angry that in some states in our blessed Union, women have lip service as far as their legal rights, but in reality men abuse their power and these same women are underpaid and worse. Case in point, S'mee's daughters having a more difficult time receiving grants, scholarships, and loans, due to their sex and marital status and lack of children.; while men and minorities with the exact same qualification as these young women are eligible for loans, aide, etc.. The U.S. and state governments encourage single women to have children out of wedlock in order to receive financial aide. (#3 was asked to get pregnant without marriage and #5 was told that "your mom needs to be dead and your dad needs to be in prison" before either would qualifiy for certain loans/aide. Both daughters have GPA's 3.9 and above and always have.) This is a "legal" way to oppress women.

S'mee agrees that there are true reasons to be and to label oneself as "feminist". However, S'mee feels it rediculous to label oneself as a feminist and then complain about the oppressions one places upon herself. If I allow you to oppress me, who's fault is it? If I choose to be abused, who is the abuser? I am not talking about women who find themselves in situations, marriages or countries where they have been lulled into abuse. S'mee has and continues to work with Domestic Violence Shelters and acknowledges the patterns of abuse that lead to psychological slavery. I am talking about making free and clear choices and then complaining about it when we could change it if we would. About allowing someone to demean me in my presence and not taking a stand to correct it.

S'mee gets angry at women who, through their "own free will and choice", have said "yes" to husband and children and then complain about their "burdens". Women who live in relative freedom to do as they wish, with husbands who work (either alone or along side of the same women) for the benefit of the family and then complain about their living conditions.

These same women gripe and complain about the silliest things, things which given a few years perspective will appear as just that - silly. Women who have been given challenges such as, "Change Diaper, gasp, make dinner, gasp, pay bills, gasp, doctors appointments, gasp, odd jobs to make ends meet, gasp, entertain 3 young’en, gasp, clean clean clean, gasp, ballet lessons, gasp, avoid punks, gasp, blog, gasp, practice piano, gasp, prepare sunday school lesson, gasp, panic, panic, gasp, gasp. Ahhhhh !!!!!!"1 ; they chose to receive, and then are upset because this is all they have to accomplish. You are the mom. You chose to be a mom. You can act like the mom. Moms have to teach right and wrong and keep the offspring alive and relatively healthy. (Mosiah 4:14-15) You can say "no" once in a while. No one said your kids had to do every thing they want; that food had to be this or that, trendy clothes, or to go to every party they are invited to; no one said the dishes couldn't wait an hour or two or even overnight. You don't have to beat yourself up trying to be the best in town, just the best you.

Did I miss something here? Did the woman who wrote this complaint live in a cave before she was drug -blindfolded, ear plugged, and gagged and forced at gunpoint into her situation, never knowing what was in store for her as a married mother of -gasp- 3 young'en? I think this and statements similar to it reflect the youth, inexperience and ignorance of the authors. Statements like the above make it sound as if this woman was not responsible for her consequences. Perhaps she could have written the following as an explanation. "I was so uneducated about American society and motherhood. I was unobservant as to what it meant to say "yes" to all this. I never noticed my own home life as a child or young adult, I never read a book, I never watched a movie or t.v. I was so self absorbed as a child/young woman that I actually thought married life would be different! I didn't realize that I myself stayed at home needing a mom for 18+ years. I don't know how to say to my husband, "I am pooped, I need help." I had no idea the lug that I married was this way before I chose to marry him. He changed and I stayed the same as I was in high school, pretty, slim, and sweet. I don't know how to communicate my needs and wants and I just take whatever is dished out. I want to complain because I was duped!"

S'mee is frantic with the "feminists" who attached themselves to any religion and then complain about its' statutes and laws. (This does not include women who have grown up in repressive societies where "religion" has been chosen for them, without free will.) Women who accept covenants and laws and receive gifts, keys, and blessings knowing the rewards/consequences and then complain at being uncomfortable with their choice. Women who stand united and raise their hands to sustain leaders and then complain about whom they "sustain". Women who do accept these things, then complain about them say to the world, "I was ignorant and made the choice without regard to the result. I went in blind and came out mad." The women who write these complaints seem educated and able to read, why have they chosen so wrongly? And, whose fault is their condition?

Women who vote for this leader or that and then complain while said leader is in office. Women who complain about the children of the world who are essentially slave labour in foreign countries, and workers of both genders who are enslaved in off shore companies and then turn around and shop at Banana Republic, Jones New York, Abercrombie and Fitch, and other "fine" manufacturers who do such practices as "good business". Women who shop Walmart because they want to pay less while others are being paid less due to their sex to work and maintain the store (and it's profit margin). Women who say they are feminists who really just are self-ists.

S'mee thinks most (not all) of these women have latched onto a cause in an effort to vent their self anger and blame someone else for their poor choices. Women who need validation from other "smart intelligent" women instead of finding their own worth. Women who, for some odd reason, can't feel their own worth because they are worried about the differences in biological functions. Women who buy into what they hear instead of searching it out for themselves, or who close their minds to the fact that they just might learn something later they don't understand now. Women who forget that there is always Someone smarter and that eventually all things will make sense; eventually can mean in a year or two, or eternally. Women who think they are as smart as they will ever be and no one else understands more than they. Women who by their own words say they are valued, but search out daily those who would demean them and devalue them. They feed upon the muck of the world instead of really making a difference. They gather together like geese, and snap at anyone who oppose them in view. Isn't that a main point of feminism? To allow each individual the right to think their own thoughts? Perhaps it only means you have the right to agree with me but not to disagree, or you are stupid, uneducated, or have your head in the sand. ( I know, I can hear you now. I have just said the same. But at least I am acknowledging I can be wrong.)

I propose feminism to be a doctrine advocating the social, political, and economic rights for women equal to those of men. If that means you are upset about your religion, leave it. If your boyfriend is a jerk don't marry him. If your husband demeans you, correct him. If you don't want to be a mom, don't become pregnant in the first place. If anyone abuses or demeans you, don't put up with it, do something meaningful to change that. Use your votes in ways that matter. Work for the things that will matter in the long run. Do not accept lower wages for the same quality work and do not support merchants who do. Stop shopping without researching where and how it came into that store. Stop worrying about being the same as your neighbors, you're not and you never will be. Stop killing yourself trying to be what others want you to be. Find your own value and build your relationship with God. Stop mocking sacred things you do not yet have a full understanding of.

If I say that I am XYZ then people who read me will assume, whether for good or ill, that all I say somehow reflects on XYZ. There is a responsibility I have to try to represent XYZ folk in a reasonable manner. If I then choose to ridicule XYZ folk, practices, or leaders that is also a reflection. I hope that what I choose to proclaim does not reflect poorly on that which I deem most high and of value, including my own sex.

Perhaps some of these women could re-label themselves, Venting Housewives, and it would be more appropriate.

1. quote taken from the blog "Feminist Mormon Housewives"

Russian River meets the Pacific

Russian River meets the Pacific
Originally uploaded by S'mee.

This map shows the road we took that sits about 500 yards from the Russian River, absolutely spectacular scenery, relaxing and invigorating at the same time.

By the time you wind your way to the sea you are treated with even more beauty. There is something about seeing what your fourth grade teacher taught you as a reality that always gets me! (It's gorgeous!) And, as an extra bonus, if you look very carefully at this photo you can see tiny light dots right at the bottom of the "S" shape to the left of the inlet water on the sand. Those tiny dots are actually elephant seals! (see May 03, 2005 post) From this vantage point we were too far away to see them without using our binoculars. I am curious about the mix of fresh and salt water and if the seals preferences and does it matter? The seals seem to be the young born last winter and were just happy to be sunning themselves on the sand.

The Pacific coast near Jenner, CA.
Originally uploaded by S'mee.

Using the map above, you can find a small "1" in a circle above Jenner. This photo is approximately where that point on the map is. We got out of the car and the perfume of the wild flowers hung in the air. I was very surprised, thinking the salt air and breezes from the altitude would have swept all hints of the delicate flowers up the mountain side. But it was all around us, sweet and fresh. There were other places we stopped along this same coastline where you could see and smell wild dill, wild lavender, and flowers I am unfamiliar with. About this point in our trip we also saw deer on the cliffs above us! I am telling you, this is a great drive! The roar of the ocean as it crashes on the rocks and cliffs, the birds swaying and gliding and the smell of the sea, flowers, and herbs! What else would make you this delirious?

The coast near Jenner, CA.
Originally uploaded by S'mee.

Someone obviously had the same idea as I, and actually set up housekeeping! Look closely at the photo, just about center is a large boulder. Just below the protection of that boulder is a driftwood shelter! HOW COOL IS THIS? Man! Thor pointed out that there is plenty of driftwood, blackened by the year's fires, for providing building material and fuel to keep warm. Lucky dog who lives there!

I am as excited now as I was seeing it when I took the picture. I truly enjoy the coast so much! Just thinking back on the memories of growing up near the ocean, the really funky smell of a wharf, dock or harbour; the sounds that all of the ocean life offers; these things are exhilarating to me and just refresh my thinking! I have been really blessed! It is hard for me to think of people who live where there is no access to an ocean. I cannot imagine my life without these beautiful expressions of my Heavenly Father. It just flat out amazes me. Seeing the foam and the waves, the birds pecking out their food, deer (DEER!) grazing nearby, it all sends me!

If you would like more visual inspiration j.michael rowland's photography of this wonderland we toured is total eye candy!

More info on the Point Reyes National Seashore is here, and here: Point Reyes Lighthouse & Point Reyes.

The ride to the "redwoods"...

The Catholic Graveyard at Tomales CA.
Originally uploaded by S'mee.

Thor and I headed out the last day of our trip for a "quick look" at the Redwoods. Thor had visited them as a child and wanted to shared their beauty with me! Unfortunately childhood memories being what they are, Thor hadn't quite calculated the distance to the redwoods from San Francisco and we ended up on a freeway headed north. The freeway was a glorified parking lot and luck being what it is, we turned off and drove west! (My favorite direction!) Although we never made it to the redwoods, we had what turned out to be, one of the best driving day trips ever.

We turned off the 101 at the 12, driving through some of the most picturesque land. This map shows the route. Sebastopol is an artsy, wine country introducing, bed and breakfast-y kind of town. After the redirection from a road block caused by an accident we then went north through Forestville (self explanatory name), Guerneville, and on to Jenner at the coast. I felt a bit thrown back to my old hippy days (at least wannabe) as we drove through these little earthy towns with all natural food stores, hemp purveyors, rainbow pretty-much-anything-you-want, and art and craft boutiques. And lots of alternative couples feeling comfy in their own shoes to put it politely. The flip side being the white folks in dreads and India batik. Talk about mixing your cultures with fashion. But that's those darned artsy types. For me, it looked like heaven, for Thor, well that's another story.

The photo above is (terrific segue) a portion of the Catholic cemetery in Tomales. (looking at the above map, find Cotali and go straight west -and slightly lower- to the tiny little angle on the red line. That bend in the road near the water is Tomales.) A small historic town of (what the town sign said) 5. We think perhaps someone has erased the extra zero(s); but it's not for us to say. That aside, It is a quaint little town, very quiet the day we visited and we only saw about 5 actual folks walking around (so perhaps the sign was correct although the housing states there should be more.) We took the side street up the slope to the hill where the wrought iron gates waited wide open, and drove into the grounds. To the left of the drive way were the tombs. All had the raised curb and further raised cement borders; with the unused graves still grassy and full of wild flowers. Once "furnished", evidence shows a cement slab covers the crypt; and head stone or foot stone mark the resident(s). Interesting.

After leaving Tomales we drove out to Point Reyes in hopes of visiting the light house. It was closed, but after researching what we missed, I am a bit glad we got there too late. This website tells the history (very interesting!), but also that it is equivalent to climbing a 30 story staircase to get down to the light house, and then back up! Hello knees! So I am content (for now) to read all about it. You should too! Have fun!

Around California in 7 days

You have got to love them. Only men would chose and continue the tradition of having an annual summer event OUTDOORS and in PALM SPRINGS. Yup, it boggles the mind.

Thor's company has an annual event that occurs during the end of every June. There are many places that could accommodate this type of event very nicely and still maintain the "feel" of what the event should have and for the "party" afterwards. Why, then, do we continue to hold this outdoors in the heat? This is an event where those in the know come dressed to impress, i.e. formal attire. (Sweat is always an appropriate accessory to an evening gown!) In Palm Springs during the end of June there is no such thing as "water-proof" mascara and most make up feels smothering at least. I have tried to find dresses in the past that allow a "dress" sandal, but in that heat, your feet swell and stick to the bottom of any foot wear and you smack smack smack with each footstep. It's crazy. Forget your hair, -it ain't happenin'.

So, tomorrow Thor and I will gussy up and make the sojourn to Palm Springs! We will spend the night there and then race back home for #5's farewell concert at Bridges Hall at the Claremont Colleges. (shameless plug: It's FREE! Sunday, 7:00, be there!) She will be playing the same music she played at Disney Hall, so she is relatively stress free about it. Then on Monday, Thor and I head for "Frisco" (tiny "wahoo!" is heard in the background of S'mee's head).

I enjoy San Fransisco because of the immense diversity. A lot to do and much to see. I absolutely love the China town experiences and will take may digital photos to share. I love going over to Oakland, Berkley and (on the other side) Mendocino. I can stay in the different neighborhoods for days and enjoy myself in the park for weeks! There are museums and library's and monuments galore. That and all the different forms of architecture will keep S'mee busy for the entire time!

I will head down to the wharf for the obligatory pearl. (S'mee has collected pearls since she was a little girl and now has about 45 of the little darlings. More on pearls some other day.) While there I will stare at the sea lions for a few minutes and then grab some lunch and head back somewhere else. I enjoy the whole "civic transportation" gig there. I am such a dork!

Last time Thor and I were there we went sight seeing on a city bus. The folks there are very friendly (especially to Thor! 8-[ who wasn't amused. lol) . We got loads of advice on what to see, where to see it and how to get there via the transit system. Some people I have talked to are afraid to use the system, especially alone, because of the "getting lost" factor. Heck! It's an adventure, you are on a bus, car, subway, etc. It's not like you are out there alone. If you get lost you ask someone; or if the worse happens, use your cell and get a cab to take you back to the hotel. You will have a great journal entry for it in the long run.

When #5 went to S.F. with her high school band, I admit I was apprehensive. But I explained the transit system and the emergency routine to use if she needed to, and sent her off. She came home with great stories. She was tour guide Barbie and her group of kids saw all kinds of cool things. It was the same when she went with the band to Chicago. (She LOVED Chicago. note to self: I need to go there someday.)

So I am off for about a week. Y'all have fun while I'm gone. Keep doing the dishes and pick your socks up off the living room floor.