Love at Home

Alec Baldwin and Kim Bassinger were married at one time, had a daughter, got divorced and put their child through the wringer.

Mr. Baldwin, frustrated at being stood up by his 11 year old daughter "yet again", decided the best way to handle his disappointment and anger would be to let her "have it" verbally on her message machine and threaten to discipline her for her bad, insulting, and disrespectful behaviours upon his next visitation with her. He repeatedly called his daughter names and also his daughter's mother names that needed to be bleeped out when it was aired on the television this morning.

Ms. Bassinger, frustrated and angry with Mr. Baldwin, decided the best way to handle her emotions would be to hand the taped message over to her publicist and lawyers, and they thought it a grand idea to send copies to every major news station in the country.

When I heard the tape this morning I was ticked, saddened, and many other emotions, however I was not shocked. I have heard worse in the grocery store from a mother, a father, and between siblings. I do not think it, meaning this berating verbal abuse, is limited to Mr. Baldwin nor to couples who have divorced. I have seen "happy" families who verbally abuse each other on a daily basis. They have become so desensitised to name calling, loud tones, destructive words and accusations that this kind of verbal exchange is not a one time behaviour, but the norm when things get heated.

I know a certain man who has much admiration and status among his working peers and his church membership. Those same friends and coworkers would be appalled if they knew this same man told his 6 year old son, upon the court deciding to grant custody to mom, that he didn't know if he could love this 6 year old little boy as much as his new wife's children because he would be living with them every day. He went on to say that if the 6 year old wanted him to receive his father's love, the little boy would need to leave mommy and come live with he and his new wife.

This man and woman have been to court back and forth for over 8 years. The two children involved have been to every court date, heard all the accusations, been asked to make decisions between their parents, and give their opinions as to who is more right, who is more wrong, who is a liar, who is telling the truth.

Both parents hold recommends to attend the temple. Both parents have friends and support from their leaders. Both parents still, after 8 years cannot get through one day without talking to the other parent and making a heated exchange that both children hear.

I have heard both of these parents and others in and out of religion use as bad of language and worse than Mr. Baldwin's today on the phone. I hear it almost every time I go out into public. I have seen frustrated, over tired parents talk to each other and their children as if no one can hear and as if the targets of the words are the world's worst enemy.

Just this week we saw tragedy in Virginia in which a young man, confused and mentally ill took out his anger and frustration on 50 innocent people. I can't help but wonder how many times someone had talked to this young man as a child in the same tones, with that same disgust and anger as Mr. Baldwin used towards his 11 year old daughter. I do not excuse the shooter in Virginia, I do wonder however, who talked to him as if his worth was infinite and his potential divine? Do we sometimes, in our anger and frustration, create mental illness in children?

I do not like contention. I grew up in a home where contention was the norm. "Fighting with your spouse is 'normal' and if you don't get it out, you will be unhealthy." This was the advice I was given as a young bride. I agree that couples need to discuss their disagreements, I do not agree that it needs to be in elevated tones or with angry words. I do not buy into the perceived notion that an argument needs to be a screaming match filled with cursing and punctuated berating.

Thor and I decided very early in our marriage that if our children were to talk to each other with respect they would need an example. What is considered typical sibling verbal exchanges were not allowed in our home. Our kids were not allowed to talk back to us or each other; nor were they allowed to berate, "dis", or name call. Arguments were not allowed to escalate to the point of high pitched emotional outbursts. We tried to teach them how to disagree and still maintain control of their thoughts and emotions. There were times when things did not go as planned, but we had a pretty high success rate.

In General Conference "this talk"by Elder Holland spoke directly to us about the power of our words and how we should control them and use them to edify rather than demean. Then later in the conference Elder Oaks gave us this counsel "on Divorce", and how it is destroying our children in more ways than we think. I have seen this in my own life. I know we have the power to change our habits and make positive changes for our own children.

I am saddened that this little girl has had to live out her childhood being the ping pong ball that her two grown adult parents use to bat back and forth in an effort to "win" the divorce game they are in. Look around your own neighborhoods and you will see plenty of Alec Baldwins. The only difference is, he got caught publicly and will be disciplined to make a point. No one will punish the parents in the mall, down at the grocery store, or sitting behind you in the pew at church.

one of my Christmas wishes...

Divorce Lawyer
Originally uploaded by Markettara.

O.k. first off, everything between Thor and myself is great.

Second, if I were queen of the world I would make this one of my first decrees:

If you and your spouse decide you can't get along any longer, that you absolutely must get a divorce, then you have to play by these rules.

If you have minor children THEY get custody of the house. It's the grown ups who can't play nice, the kids have nothing to do with it, so why should their lives be the first to get messed up?

The deed goes to all the children. It will be held in trust until the youngest child is 21. At that time the house can be sold and the profits divided among the children. Parents: figure it out and pay it off. Let's just call it a parting gift for the kiddies. A kind of consolation prize for their emotional foundation being ripped from under them. Don't have a house? Then continue to pay rent on the one they are currently in until they are legal adults... get this: The kids ain't leaving, you are!

In the mean time, Mom and dad can pack up their clothes and favorite toys every weekend and move in and out of wherever they decide to live. Hey, there's still a master bedroom, Mom can have it this week, dad can have it next. Deal people, you're the adults! Find yourself an apartment close to town or drive all day to get here, the kids are staying put.

The kids are staying in the same school with their same friends. They are staying in the same church and going to the same neighbor's house for after school game time. You screwed up -they didn't. They get to keep the same teachers, doctors, grocery store guy... you two adults can figure out where to get new ones for yourselves.

Since when was it fun for a kid to pack up their little life in their backpack and schlep back and forth during their free time just to hear their parents rant about how bad the other parent is? The kids get to stay in their own beds and the adults can schlep.

The kids get to keep all the holidays at home. Yup birthdays and Christmas, Halloween and the fourth of July will be where they always were...at home with the kids. Mom and Dad, if you don't like it, don't come. If you decide to join the kids that holiday, then bring your happy face and pack your own backpack.

The whole idea here is that the kids' lives will not be any different than they are currently, other than the fact that mom and dad are only in the house one at a time.

Oh and another thing. When a crime is committed a criminal has to pay for his crime by "doing time". If you are of the religious sort, when someone commits a sin, they confess and some form of restitution is made. O.k. Here's the deal: You adults made a promise to stay together "until death" and some folks even throughout "eternity". You promised to make a home for little people that would be loving, nurturing and safe. You brought little people into the marriage. If you get a divorce, you are breaking your promise. Marriage is a legal contract, you are breaking that contract. True, it's not like you stole a car or robbed a liquor store, you're just stealing your child's stability and robbing them of trust and emotional good health.

Soooo, to pay your children back for said crimes against them you will not date "seriously" until the youngest is 18. The only thing you'll be "doing" is time. No need to bring in other people and mess up their lives too. Your children don't need two sets of screwed up "parents" and they don't need step siblings to compete with or miss when they go home. Your children do not need to know you have a sex life. Do you, even today, want to know that your mom or dad is doing the horizontal mambo with anyone? Neither do they.

Once all the kids are 18 or older then you can go out and mess up your life again with someone new. As an alternative to dating, how about seeing a good therapist? Find out why and where you messed up in the first place.

Some folks think this would never work. I disagree. Divorce is so easy now that it is almost a no brainer. Some people actually believe they will get married and divorced at least once before they find the 'right' person. If they knew the above rules were actually law, maybe that would cause more folks to pause before making a commitment (and children) in the first place. Perhaps, if when divorce is looming on the horizon, with such a law in place, it would cause partners to reconsider why they 'fell in love' in the first place and work to get it back to that place again.

I am a firm believer that no matter what has happened in the marriage, if both partners want to reconcile it can be done. If one does not want to stay married the other can't do too much about it. Either way, the kids were not at fault and should not be punished.

Back to that part of whether or not this can succeed. Yes it can. Thor has a business partner who, some 15 years ago, divorced and decided with his ex-wife this plan would work. They have been schlepping for 15 years. The kids are happy. The parents are finally happy. It's a decision that can work if you think of your children instead of how much you want revenge.

That is all.

It only happened once...then it happened again

I was called to the new stake RS presidency...again. This time I am the 2nd Counselor, still Education, but for whatever reason the Pres decided that #1 will be Enrichment gal and #2 the Education gal. O.k. So we had our first meeting together as a presidency.

In the first hour of this meeting we talked about many things. One of topic was about a small group of young women who became pregnant while still in their teens or early 20's. "They're just defiant, rebellious, I guess. They come from terrific homes, loving families. It's a puzzle why they would do this to their parents." was the response from one of the women at the table. Another said, "It's sad."

I piped up and said that "it was neither sad nor a rebellion against the parents but rather a lack of knowledge. A misunderstanding of who they really are. If one truly gets who they really are, they would never allow themselves to be abused, mistreated, disrespect, or seduced to a state where it endangered their standing in the eternities. Somewhere in their childhood they missed that 'child of God' lesson, or they didn't feel it enough to believe it."

I got three puzzled looks as they tried to understand what I was trying -obviously without success- to say. I think there is a lot of "psycho-babble" out there, a lot of excuses to be sure, but I also think there is something to knowing who you are. If I really believe that I am a literal Spirit son or daughter of God (any God- you don't have to believe in the same God as me, just that you are definitely Divine in nature) then chances are you will have self worth.

Now I know, there was a time back in the 80's when we all blamed every ill character trait on our lack of self esteem... but think about it. If you think you are it and a bag of chips, you won't take crap off of anyone. No one would talk down to you without your correcting them. No one could make you feel bad, hurt your feelings, lure you into something stupid to elicit sympathy or friendship. You would be confident to say "yes" and "no" when you wanted to, rather than going along with someone else with pressure for some form of reassurance or validation. You would be king! Kings answer to no one but themselves and God. Not arrogance or conceit, but true confidence in who you really are and your worth in general - enough to stand up for yourself in any situation. There would never be a "just this once", or "He said he was sorry, but I was too pretty (or made him mad), and it happened again." - "What happens between two people is their private business. Besides, it's only now and then." - "She was my best friend, don't you do things for a best friend?" and "No one will ever know except me."

The discussion at the table went from rebellion to "perhaps these girls were trying to get attention from their parents". My argument still stands. If they know who they are -the attention would be nice, but not necessary. "My father pays no attention to me, so I am going to my boyfriend to get the love I need." O.K. you're dad's a jerk; but if you think you are o.k. then you certainly don't need him to tell you what you already know. "I'm o.k. I'm lovable. I will be loved eventually by someone who deserves me." The thought of cheating on a test, engaging in chemical abuse, driving too dangerously, lying to another person -or ourself, would be beyond our comprehension. A child of GOD would never do those things because it would be beneith them to do so. The more we realize our worth, who we are, the closer we come to not wanting to risk our personal self. We want to rid our self of those habits, tempatations, or incidents that hamper our progression towards our eternal Home.

I have a friend who, somewhere along the way, lost herself to an abusive eternal companion. She did not start out in life loathing herself. She started out thinking she was smart enough, thin, educated, and pretty enough to land a guy. Trouble is the guy she got had grown up in a home where values got skewed. Not to excuse his behaviors, after all he has agency as well as the next guy, but he learned that in order for him to be "o.k." he had to be in control. Control meant power, power meant authority, and authority meant everything. Without authority he was nothing.

Little by little he demeaned his wife to the point where he robbed her of her family, isolated her from her friends, and closed her world up teaching her through words, actions and emotional outbursts that she had somehow "changed" and was losing all value in his eyes. She was becoming stupid, weak, incompetent. Day after day these drills took their toll until she no longer believed she was worth anything. She allowed herself to be abused, fearing that she had no power and that no one would believe her because she was incapable of communicating and articulating what had become the reality of her life. "After all, [she] was the cause. [She] made him, forced him to abuse her because she was worth less and somehow less than the rest of God's children." What esteem she had for her Divinity had been slowly grated away and replaced through trusting her most sacred companion... in his eyes she had become nothing. Because she trusted his judgment of her, she believed she was nothing and that she deserved what was coming to her day after day for 30 years.

People can be taught to love themselves or to hate themselves. When the latter occurs, they begin to doubt their own judgments and allow others to make decisions for them and the abuse begins. Whether beatings, verbal, or allowing someone to seduce you into thinking they love you only to satisfy a moment in time or even to "just this once" with a promise of future (not present)commitment...it's all because we forget that "I am God's child and you better back off before you mess with me." "Mess with me and you mess with my Dad...who just happens to rule the universe, SO BACK OFF!" "I know I love you and that you love me, but I refuse to lower my standard for either of us, because I am better than this small moment of temptation."

I am not sure that I ever made my point at the meeting, or even here. However the main thing is this: We are in this together. When we sit together we need to edify each other. To build each other as much as possible. Don't allow someone near us to feel they aren't worth everything. The members of the church, moreso than any other group, should understand their worth. Yet, we can see the depression on the faces of those around us. We hear the stories of lives that have been shattered, postponed, hearts broken and Spirits struggling to find a way back into a world where they know -for sure- they belong.

I wish that I had the ability to convince people who they really are. None of us are perfect, however when we understand that this whole planet was designed for our benefit, we do try harder to keep our Divinity closer, to grow more, to be happier, to earn those things our Father has; we fight for our Spirit, we guard our selves and protect our souls from harm. We treat others with respect and Christ like love because we know who they are too.

The worth of souls is great in the sight of God...and it should be in our sight as well.

If you don't want my peaches, don't shake my tree.

I have written this post 5 times now. Each time it ends up being WAY too long and sounds very gripey by the end, and I am just mad after reading it for corrections, etc. So I will not rewrite it again. Just suffice it to say that if you want to stay married, love your husband for who he is and has always been. You can begin by looking at him as the eternal companion he will be someday and if you treat him nice for what can give you, he just might start being nice back. Appreciate each other. Be a united front and stop arguing in front of the kids. They learn from you two. If you -their only example of Heavenly Father and Mother- are fighting over crap -yeah, I said crap- then why do you think they fight and argue over who gets what toy? Good grief! Go to the master bathroom, turn on the faucet and have the argument behind those doors. Learn to live within your means and teach your kids to do the same. Lighten up. If you can't live happy on this rock for 60 years you'll never be happy for eternity. Let this be your mantra: If it won't matter in five years why worry (fight, etc.) about it? (Chances are if it matters for five years it could matter for eternity. Who knows.)

Discipline your kids and get a grip mom, you're the boss so start acting like one. Kids need clear instruction and boundaries. If someone sent you to Pluto, you'd need to learn the language, the etiquette, the rules and what is expected behaviors, or you would never succeed. If you stood up as tall as you could and you only came up to their knees you'd freak out too. Try seeing things from their vantage point and give them a break once and a while. Let them win the little things and pick your wars. Be strict with the things that will matter in five years. Play with them. And again, if you can't enjoy them for 18 years, how do you think eternity is going to feel? Not all teenagers have to be horrid, they are a reflection of what you created in your home.

P.S. Not that I don't want to help you, or listen to your woes (trust me, we have ALL been there), I am just tired of the incessant complaints without you taking action or responsibility for your part in it too. And yes, I know there are kids that are just flown in from the planet REBELLION and no matter what you do they will go their merry way and there you go. But I think sometimes we give up too easily on a kid who is just plane bored and name him/her trouble. 'Nuff said.

The theory of realtivity or why eternity is only 30 years

I think I am posting more complaints than happy thoughts. I had made a goal for myself to try and be more positive in my observing and to try to post things that up lift rather than just have an open gripe session. Then this.

I met with a friend last night for dinner. Last night's kitten dish spilled the "details" of why two of my very good friends are getting a divorce after 30 years of marriage. From what I can tell both parties are -as usual- at fault. Now if this were just some random couple I could go on. But this couple made sacred promises to love each other for eternity. I know this is a foreign concept to most of the world, but in my religion we married FOR EV ER!

Even in a regular everyday wedding there is a promise in there somewhere about "until death do you part." right? Here's my difficulty: One party was away to long, the other party needed too much. One thing leads to another and they grew apart, leaving a gaping hole in which a third party was able to inappropriately comfort a member of this union. Now by inappropriate I am not suggesting anything other than conversation. But comforting conversation by a dear friend that leads to more intimacy than a couple currently share is inappropriate and will lead to destruction of one of the parties, if not as in this case, all three.

Next. One party files for divorce. The other party states that reconciliation has been offered and refused. "Too little too late" it seems is the excuse for them both. One party moves out and away from the situation and the divorce is proceeding.

My huge big fat ugly problem: In a U.S. civil union, "Until death do you part." is understood by most English speakers to mean that you are married until one of you is DEAD. No pulse, no heart beat or brain waves, cold, stone stiff, DEAD. Within our religion even the death will not severe the marriage and you are still indeed hitched. Best be careful whom you choose to stay with for eternity; or just a lifetime.

One party in this friendship of mine has begun dating another person. The other party is playing the martyr and "waiting until the divorce is final." - but already has committed to date a fourth party, who has shown interest and is willing to delve into this relationship as soon as "legally possible." UGH! I want to scream. (If there has been an agreement to date later, intimacy has already been established and the pretence of waiting seems moot.)

What are these people thinking? Even in the lowest possible legal sense they are still married to each other for at least a few more months. What happened to trying to forgive and compromise and make things work? 30 years down the tubes because someone has had it and is fed up. According to my knowledge the only abuse between the couple has been indifference and neglect. I don't think that is irreparable. It isn't easy by any means but isn't 30 years and 6 children worth ALL the trying until you get it right?

The outside parties make me sick. Why would anyone get in the middle of two married people? You have to be insane to do this. And why would anyone think of dating a divorced person so soon? Shouldn't there be some healing period or time to think? How about a year? I can hear people all over the place yelling at me and telling me all the reasons why it's o.k. But to me it just seems like everyone is asking to get into another bad situation before they have been able to clean up the last one and figure out why it went wrong. Everyone too busy feeling sorry for themselves and pointing their digits at the other person and never seeing what they did wrong to help speed up the destruction of their family.

I know. It's easy for me. I have been married to my high school sweetheart for the past 29 years. Think about that folks. Do you really think each and every moment of those 29 years has been rosie and that we were deliriously in love? Get real. 29 years takes more than love- it takes forgiveness, compassion, trust, commitment and hard freaking work at times. I thought that was what marriage was all about.

There are some actual deal breakers: Abuse that is mental, physical, or spiritual. From what they tell me, this isn't the case. And, as bad as the above are, I know of couples that have committed strong enough to even get through those. But not very often and I don't blame those who choose to leave dangerous situations. From what I have been told, none of these abuses happened. They just wandered apart and found other folks more interesting and didn't have the power to come back together.

I am so sad. I know of 4 more families that have fallen and it has affected more people than they will ever know.