I love this photo. It came with the computer program. Someone was able to capture what I have been feeling lately. The blues, wanting to take a long walk off a short pier, alone, a little sorry for myself, mourning, and a general chill. It will pass, it's not that big of a deal, and yeah, I'm fine. Really. From the look out there in blog-ville I am not the only one experiencing a bit of the "can spring just get here already?" ho-hums.
For me the reason was a bit of information I received and it kind of threw me for a loop. I was talking about it today and what I came up with is similar to the whole "Matrix" feeling. You know, "take the red pill and know the truth."
Up until that information hit I thought something was the truth. I took the pill and now I know that everything I felt before wasn't real. How do you live for 40+ years thinking that the dress you have worn for 40+ years has always been blue plaid and wake up one day to find that, in reality, it is a red stripe? There is so much of me that feels like a "matrix", what is real, what was a lie, what was a nice story to pacify me, what was truth? Even in the fabric of my dress threads were pulled to weave another garment. A garment worn by another person; making my clothing full of holes and thread bare.
There are so many holes in my fabric that at times I wondered if what I wore all my life was even a dress. Maybe it was a jumper, or shorts, maybe I had a heavy coat on all those years, or maybe I wore jeans and a tee shirt. At this point I question what is in the mirror on a daily basis. I can't trust my own memories and judgement in some areas, and that has me freaked a bit.
I know that in the long run it doesn't matter what I wear on my body as long as I know who resides in my heart. I refer to another great film of our time, The Lion King. In one particularly educational scene Rafiki bonks Simba on the head and reminds him that certain things are in the past and essentially that makes them a moot point. What really matters is that Simba listen to his father and realize his potential future, his right to be king. I went for the blue monkey, took the bonk on the head and am listening to my Father. Hopefully this will keep on a course that leads to my own Royalty someday.
I am sorting things out lately. I need to clean out my head -and like a closet, all the stuff is on the floor and being sorted out. Some things need to be boxed up, other things tossed, still others labeled and filed. Right now my mind is a bit empty. In the words of another good housekeeper: "It's a good thing!"
I haven't had a good idea for blogging in quite a while, the brain is otherwise occupado. But I am open to suggestion. Got something on your mind? Got a question for me? I am pretty much an open book and if you have read this blog at all, you know I have an opinion on pretty much everything. So give me a topic, ask my thoughts on your dilemma, send me a laundry list of ideas, or whatever.
This is your big chance...it's open mike night, let me have it!
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8 comments:
I love the photo too, S'mee.
Its beautiful & so are you.
I'm sorry you were even offered the red pill. That isn't much fun, is it. I too, have had a simular experience. Perhaps not the same, but something simular, and I too, have not been able to depend on my memories for accurate information, which is really quite unnerving.
I wish we could go to lunch. (See, for me it is so always about food), and visit. I long to visit with you, when I can have all your attention. (See, it is all about me, always, always). I long for that, and am determined to make that happen. (maybe I am a stalker, after all)
If I could ask for blog entries on subjects, there are about a million I'd like to have your opinons on.
For instance... I'd love to know more about you. What you did between high school and marriage? Where did you meet that handsome husband of yours?
Have I ever told you, that I love your craft room. I bet that if those walls could talk, they would have a lot to say.
My past is so ugly. I try and try and try to make up for it. I wonder if I ever will? I've been thinking about that.
Okay. I am done.. rambling. Can you tell I have a fever? We are on day 11, of this lovely illness. I think, if I counted right.
*Grin*
I love you. No matter what clothes you're wearing or how many holes their are in the fabric. No matter where you come from, where ya been, and how different you feel today than you did a month ago. I'll take the bundle pack, any day of the week.
*smooch*
I loved your little photo thingies you made for the YW class. I wish you'd show us how to make them.
Also, along with Lisa, I love you craft room. A peek at the corners would be nice. Maybe we should all do that. Take a picture of a corner in our house and then explain why we have it the way it is.
Also, I've always wanted to here you talk about organizing. You're so good at it, I'm sure you have some great tips.
Lisa, first, for whatever reason I can't reply on your site, C says she thinks it's my new computer...so I'll work on that.
Second HAHAHAHA! What I did between high school and marraige LOL o.k. you asked for it, it will be the next blog! HAHAH!
Chronicler, I'll get busy one your ideas also.
Hey thanks you guys! Sometimes you just go brain dead ya know?
Interpretation is a fickle thing. When I see that picture, I see a warm, balmy evening, peaceful, soft, lovely. A good feeling. Isn't it amazing how our feelings can paint a picture to represent how we feel.
Now, that said, you can't start a story and not get to the plot. What did you discover that threw you for a loop? THAT would be a very good post.
Yes, I have had experiences like that and the older I get, the more I realize that I know NOTHING! My mom grew up thinking her birthday was on a certain day, come to find out, it wasn't. Her mom had gotten it wrong.
I think that is what life is all about. Finding out that it is not what you thought. I hate that sometimes. I like life to be predictable and safe for the most part.
I sure hope that what ever it was (and I am sure you will share it with us) that it will turn into something good in the end.
I sure love you and hope you have a wonderful night.
Melissa, Actually, no, I won't share what threw me because it would/could put someone else in the same place I am, and that would be selfish of me. Misery loves company, but I can't go there. Just know that it really messed my head up and others around me as well. But we'll get through it like we always have, because in the end those effected by this have always known that we could count on each other.
Thanks anyway. : )
s'mee,
I read this entry last week and it has been on my mind ever since. The line that really got me was:
"Up until that information hit I thought something was the truth. I took the pill and now I know that everything I felt before wasn't real."
I obviously don't know your situation, but I've had a number of "Matrix moments" of my own in the past few years, and I came to the same logical conclusion: "Everything I felt before wasn't real." But, while it's certainly a logical conclusion, it's also the wrong conclusion.
Part of the problem is that we often equate the facts of a situation with the underlying truth of the situation. But facts are notoriously squirrely. New facts are revealed, old facts are proven false, and (no matter what) we can never know all of the facts anyway.
Because we operate in the real world, this incomplete and imperfect set of facts is usually all we've got to work with. And we're somehow expected to take this incomplete and imperfect set of facts and, with imperfect tools, assemble some sort of "truth" for ourselves. Some framework we can operate in. Some concept of "the way things are."
Now, just for the sake of argument, consider this completely fictional and rather extreme example:
A man and a woman have two kids. The man loves these kids with all his heart and he spends his entire life working hard to provide for them and raise them to be great human beings. When the oldest child is 20 years old, the child contracts a disease that requires an organ transplant and during the testing to find a suitable donor the man discovers that he is not good match. In fact, he's not a match at all. Neither of his children share any of his DNA.
From this he learns that his wife was unfaithful to him twenty-some-odd years ago (and has been unfaithful off-and-on ever since), that his "children" aren't his children after all, and that another man is the "real" father of these children.
Up until that information hit, he thought something was the truth. But does it necessarily follow that "everything he felt before wasn't real?" I don't think so. And I dare anyone to reclassify the 20 years of love that man felt for those children as "unreal" or "false."
Perhaps what it boils down to is that I'm no longer willing to believe in the ultimate power of lies. I don't believe that lies have the power to reach back in time and make a man's entire life a fraud simply because he was the victim one. I don't believe that lies have the power to take something that was good and real and true and transform it into something ugly and fake and false.
Otherwise, we're all just one pill away from meaninglessness.
"And so, we go forward in faith..."
- grettir
grettir, you're awesome. Thanks for pondering this for so long and taking time to try and help me out with it. I totally understand your analogy and it is a good example. It helps a lot to know that other people have had this same experience and have learned from it in a positive way.
Actually, I think my rambling response is a pretty good indicator that I didn't ponder it nearly enough... ;)
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