The Best Gift

adoption

A couple of weeks back I sat in on a combined Sunday School class. All the adults who weren't otherwise occupied were invited to listen to a presentation on the LDS Family Services. The presenter spoke reverently and respectfully about mental illness, marriages, families, adoption, addiction recovery in all its' forms, job placement, and many other quick points on the services they provide, who is eligible and how one goes about receiving assistance from them. After a ten minute or so presentation the remainder of the time was given to a young woman, "Sarah".

"Sarah" told us her very personal struggle with placing her newborn infant with an adoptive couple and how she came to make the decision. It was amazing to watch this young woman bear her deepest thoughts and heartbreak in front of so many strangers. She was poised and Spiritually mature beyond her years, and spoke with such conviction and purpose. Most everyone in the room had tears in their eyes as she spoke; and we could fully understand her decision process and determination for her new baby. Her words were filled with wisdom, and complete and unselfish love for this little baby, and hopes for this child's welfare above her own situation of ache and grief. It was a privilege to have witnessed her speak and feel the Spirit in the room that day.

She wanted to assure us that she made the decision fully on her own; and that no one had "guilted" or coerced her into it. She was given all the opportunities and options, a counselor, and availability to others who had been in her situation who had made various decisions.

I have to say that I have been in attendance (at these same kinds of presentations) a few other times, as recently as a few months ago, where other mothers have shared their stories, also beautiful and filled with love; however "Sarah" will being my heart and mind for a very long time, I hope, forever. She humbled me.

She shared an analogy that I had never heard before. She asked us to imagine a young mother and father who were outside, playing with their toddler. While the parents are inattentive, only for a moment, it is long enough for their toddler to wander out into the street where a swiftly approaching car is racing down the street. The parents have a choice to make:

A: They can stand frozen in fear and allow the child to be hit by the car, which would surely kill the toddler, but more than likely cause lifelong emotional harm to the parents who were not able to rescue their child.

B: They can, together, run to the child, wrap their arms around each other and take the hit. Chances are all three will be injured, and most likely have life long injuries, but they will all live.

C: Mother can run to the child, while dad goes for help. Mommy wraps her body around the toddler, and together they take the hit. Mommy and child will both receive injuries that will be life long and difficult, however they will live.

D: Mom can run to the toddler with such force she pushes the child out of the street and into the arms of another couple standing on the other side. Mommy will suffer injuries that will last a life time, baby may also have a few scrapes and bruises, however the baby will be safe.

Her analogies were this:
A: is like an abortion, the baby dies. "Sarah" explained to us that she could not even think of this option, although many in her situation have and do. For her, the emotional scars would have been too difficult to bear and she could not think of a life with that kind of hurt.

B: is like a marriage for marriage's sake and not one that was planned for or inevitable, a marriage of convenience that would most likely fail, harming all three parties. Another choice "Sarah" said was not even an option for her in her situation.

C: would be like rearing the child as a single mother, hoping for help that may or may not come, a father who is more absent than constant, and that would, again, harm all three parties for life. She said she felt that this was an option for her as she had great support from her family.

D: is like adoption. She would save her baby and harm herself knowingly.
She admitted that it was the single most difficult decision she has ever made; and that it has hurt her more than any other situation in her life... however the thought of her baby having both a mother and a father who could love her baby, support her baby, and give her baby 'saving ordinances' (scroll to "Sealing Authority" ) that she could not yet give her baby, those were the things that she felt her baby deserved. So she pushed the baby into loving arms and took the worst hit of her life.

She shared with us photos of her baby and her baby's adoptive family. She told us the happiest she has felt since finding out she was pregnant was the day she went to wait outside the temple as the adoptive family were sealed for all time and eternity. She said there would never be anything that would help her heart heal more than knowing her baby had a forever family. She was sure she had made the correct decision.

I have to tell you, it was hard to watch her tell her story, and I pray that if I were ever in her situation that I would have the faith to do what was best for the child. She truly amazed and humble everyone in that room.

For those of you reading who are LDS, this post probably makes a lot of sense. For my readers who are unfamiliar with LDS beliefs and would like to know more by reading information from the source --these links can help. No one will call on you unless you specifically request it. And of course you may always ask me, I would enjoy helping you understand what I am writing about!

Mormon.org

about the church

Momma's every where!

While driving through Joshua Tree National Park I saw a bright pink blossom off the road and in about 50 feet.

Thor pulled over, I popped out of the car and went in search of the elusive bloom.

As I walked I heard the excited call from another photographer. "Hey! Hey! I got a Lizard! And he's posing for me!" I walked towards the voice and saw a man with a huge camera lens balanced precariously on a tripod, nose to the lens, snapping away.

Not knowing who he was shouting to, I quietly approached him, announced myself and asked if I might snap some photos as well. "Sure! He's just standing there. He loves the camera!"

So I took a position and began to shoot. In my opinion, this is a mommy guarding her nest. Another photographer came to shoot and the lizard just scurried about five feet and then circled back. She dug in occasionally and then would pop her head up to see if we were still fascinated.

Just look at that belly. Have you ever seen such a "full" tummy on a guy lizard? I think I can even see the egg shapes in her belly. Look closely at the photo far right in the first two rows and center on the bottom. Can you see the "baby bump" too?

To see these (or any of my photos) in a much larger size, just click on them.

Womanhood. Enjoy to the end!

This was my weekend! We wanted it to be really special for the gals here! As one of our performers (Michelle) pointed out, we wanted the women to feel "set apart" from the world for a few moments, to feel needed, appreciated, loved and to celebrate the Relief Society birthday with a bang! Our dear performers did not disappoint! They embellished!

Womanhood, Enjoy to the End!

Ann Bailey, Michelle Walters, and Melanie Renstrom graciously traveled to our little hamlet in the desert and gave over 700 women, from 4 different stakes a terrific, inspiring, and at times hilarious show! It was so much fun to prepare for this event. It was over a year in the making, but we did it!

These women got together -much by fate and the hand of God- over 13 years ago. Together they decided to take a lighthearted and much needed musical roadshow to the women of the world to say "Enjoy!" Enjoy your life! Feel loved! Know you belong!

This program has a bit of everything. From the fast paced mommy numbers to the slower more moving song choices about enduring love and hope. Personal insights brought many to tears as we laughed together, and cried together, knowing not one of us is alone in our circumstances. We have each other and we have a loving Father in heaven. We all share a purpose that is more than just our 70 or 80 years on the planet. We all have the love of Jesus Christ. We are fortunate to have the Priesthood and programs that were designed by a Father who knows His daughters and wants them to be happy. We are blessed by friends, family and life circumstances. We have each other in times of trouble and joy.

If you would like these women to come to your area, their criteria is simple and FREE! Pop on over to their website and check it out. They were well worth the effort and time! ENJOY!

I got a problem.

Alrighty then. Perhaps we should just read this in the Church Lady voice and be done with it.

Today's subject: Sex.

(now, evidently,soon to be former) New York Governor Eliot Spitzer and US Girls.

First, the Governor. It's not surprise that a career politician, one who builds that career on "moral" standards, has been caught with a prostitute. It's not a surprise that our tax dollars were paying for all this $1000.00 per hour service. It's not a surprise that the spouse stands beside this politician and says they will work on the marriage. I understand there are marriages where this has happened and that, yes, it can be repaired, my point is that this man's act was for recreation, not an emotional outburst or momentary madness.

Why am I not surprised that this is being played out in t.v. and radio as a common "mistake". Last evening there was an L.A. radio host who said all this could be avoided if prostitution were legal. Really? This is the problem? Evidently. According to this host, men are men, and men need variety and will cheat if they don't get permission to do so. He states that no man should even think about marriage until he is well into his 30s, and then only if he has been with many many women. He even went so far as to suggest those women be from different cultures, countries, etc.... juuuuust to try all he can. Hmm.

It's true that this host felt sorry for the wife, the kids, but in reality they should have seen it coming and this, he explained, is why women always forgive the men who go off to prostitutes. It has nothing to do with intimacy, it's just sex. This, according to his program, was excuse enough. The whole "Boys will be boys!" rule.

Interesting. I married a man; not an animal. I am offended to think that people are just blithely sitting by without protesting this statement that all men are beasts, and will and should conduct themselves without control or self discipline.

The entire program, from I can tell by going back this morning and listening to sound bites, has to do with his agenda at getting prostitution legalized, after all Nevada has figured it out. Legalize it, monitor it, and everyone can be safe while breaking their vows.

One of his guests was a former Hollywood madam and she agreed with all he had to promote. Lovely.

Essentially, because it was with a prostitute, everyone should be o.k. with this. I'm not even talking about the tax money, the laws, the dignity that was destroyed because of this. Heck why should we bother with that? Why is no one bothered that a "leader" has once again broken the trust of the American people? Because we have come to expect it.

Then we have the new report that 1 in 4 girls aged 14 - 19 are infected with an STD. Is this alarming, or is this too, normal human behaviour? "We can't stop people from having sex, teens are gonna have sex!" That's the thinking, right? I have a lot of problems with this study.

I find the timing amazing. Consider all the controversy lately about vaccines. Darn those moms anyway! Now, just when we have a handle on another vaccine, all these moms are wiggin' out and wondering if they should just blindly go forth as we have been trained to do. Or, maybe we need to stop and think a minute about it. So out comes a scare tactic to reinforce the need for a vaccine.

Doesn't anyone wonder if this is another Thalidomide ? Does it concern anyone else that we are vaccinating girls during puberty? Does it occur to anyone that we don't have any concrete long term studies on how this will affect their reproductive health later? Back in the day "the pill" was a new thing, a "hope", for women every where because heck, we were gonna have sex anyway, right? It was a band aide that was supposed to put everyone at ease.

The problem is that it is just that, birth control, not pregnancy prevention. We still get pregnant, it's just the birth that has become controlled. Back in the day no one knew personally of a women who was actually considered "barren". It almost seemed biblical. No one heard of anyone going to get help with fertilization; that was rare. Now, swing a cat and hit a couple who have fertility issues. Could the fact that we all have succumbed to the chemical cures that we are forgetting to connect the dots?

It's easier to just take a pill, to get a vaccine, than to do what it takes to avoid things we are not ready for. So let's all march our young girls down and get them vaccinated against a preventable disease. Yes, preventable.

Another problem I have with this report is the "girls only" angle. Are these girls born with STD? No, and the study implies (rightly so) that they have had sex. But with other girls or were there boys involved as well? If so, then how many boys have STD? Why aren't we concerned about warning them? The answer they are giving us is, that with the boys, there is rarely physical evidence or signs, with girls there is. O.k., but still, shouldn't there be something said about both genders? Shouldn't we be worried about the boys too?

How about that "black girl" stat? I tell you, I'm not black and I am furious over this. Where were these studies taken? In large cities. Were there 50 white girls and 50 black girls studied and they found these stats from that data? Were the girls completely honest? There are too many variables. Maybe it's not even 1 out of 4 girls. Did they test girls from all kinds of families, neighborhoods, classes, races, religions, regions, etc. etc. etc? Or perhaps the control group they chose could bend the outcome. Anyone who has taken a high school math class can see how stats can be bent.

On a hot day, give every teen in a crowd their choice of Pepsi or Water. Count how many teens are wearing black shirts. Count how many kids in that crowd wearing black shirts choose the Pepsi. Chances are the conclusion can be drawn that teens who drink Pepsi have a tendency to wear black shirts. Black can be a sign of Goth or depressed behaviour, i.e. Pepsi causes depression in teens. Forget the fact that 99% of the teens in the high school across the street wear black as a "cool" colour choice and that most teens enjoy a soda on a hot day. Stats can be skewed.

I'm a little ticked here. Tell the world that 1/4th of all your girls are sleeping around and spreading disease. Scare the crap out of everyone. Don't worry about the future outcome, that's why we have lawyers. Assume your children are idiots and without self control. Have them punched up with chemicals to avoid a disease that can be avoided completely. Make some pharmaceutical companies some cold hard cash. What other choice do you have?

It's easy. Talk to your kids. Both genders. Tell them who they are. Tell them they are worth more. Tell them they deserve more. Tell them how and why to wait. Expect more. Trust them to do just that. Educate them with as much information as you can. Give them some credit for being more than animals.

"We can help, but YOU have to make the call..."

Ahh, kids. Back in the day I would gather up all of my 5, and a couple of other kids, and we'd pile into the minivan and head out for school every morning. I was the Kool-Ade Mom on the block, so I got a lot of kids hanging out at the house both before and after school. I loved that.

This was the day before law required seat belts. Yes there used to be a havoc in the streets and people just threw their offspring haphazardly into the back of whatever vehicle they owned and off they went. Let me tell you, a kid understood the laws of physics much faster back then.

We had the first Caravan off the line! It looked like a small white refrigerator on four wheels. Yeah, we were stylin'! We had bucket seats in front a 3 passenger bench seat in the middle, which did have a baby car seat, and the third row consisted of two folding lawn chairs. Heck, those third seats were EXPENSIVE! Ingenuity! Thor went down to Thrifty's and picked up to lawn chairs for a total of $12. When the kids complained about not having a seat belt, Thor took two of his old belts and wove them between the plastic webbing and TA-DA! seat belts! It was really fun to watch the boys tip over when you took a turn a little fast...they loved that. (You should have seen the face plants when you had to brake fast!)

The morning routine was:
1.Everyone in the neighborhood who needs a ride to school meet at the house.
2. Have neighborhood prayer. (It used to be just family prayer, but the kids began to protest so that circle on the living room floor got rather big.)
3. Everyone pile in the car. Leave the car seat for the youngest; and find a seat, or just stand, whatever... it's only 6 or 7 blocks.
4. Grab my hot chocolate travel mug.
5. DRIVE!
6. Unload everybody and their duck.
7. Drive home.
8. Do this all again in reverse at 2.

One Wednesday, (I know it was Wednesday, because in our house each kid was assigned a day. This part of the story is about #3, and the third day is Wednesday...see how this all works out?) Anywho, #3 is in the front seat crying as we leave. Everything went well until we start to pull out of the drive and she just began crying....hard.

I inquire to her distress and she burst out with, "YOU NEED HELP MOM! I LOVE YOU, BUT YOU NEED HELP!" I am even more curious so I ask why I need help? "BECAUSE YOU DRINK AND DRIVE ---EVERYDAY! AND NO ONE IS SUPPOSED TO DRINK AND DRIVE!" I tried (not to laugh) to calm her down and she begins telling me that "there are hot-lines" and that I "am not alone", and that "there are people who can help " me, but that I "have to make the first step". "And while we're talking about it, THE BABY NEEDS HELP TOO! SHE ALSO HAS A DRINKING PROBLEM!" and the crying reaches an almost fever pitch. She is completely undone.

Now, in the back seat and the lawn chairs, other children are beginning to come undone also, only with laughter, which doesn't help the situation up front.

I finish the drive to school and drop off the minions but keep back screaming Mimi. I try to calm her down. She finally gets to a point where she is sounding more and more like Mary Richards, with a very high pitched staccato voice. "The. Ba. AY. BEeeee. Has. A. Drink. Ink. Ing. Prob. Lem!" (Oh Mr. Grant!) "Ev. REeee. Time. She. Drink. Inks. She. E. SPIIILLLLS!"

After a long talk I convince her we'll get the help we need; and resolve to never allow her to watch t.v. again.

I am sad to report, that after all these years, I still drink and drive.

Weird Science!

Over at Mormon Mommy Wars there's a discussion about a lot of random things, and the dreaded Science Fair Project.

This brought back those years in our life when the kids were up to their ears in volcanic anticipation. We were given a huge amount of great information and eventually our kid earned the school, then district, then 2nd in state. He actually did the majority of the work. I, on the other hand did a LOT of testing, driving, and photography. And as you will see later, a lot of talking the kids out of a trip to Disneyworld, which actually was part of the experiment.

Our dilemma was solved via our #1's oncologist, who suggested a "medical" experiment. She asked him a few questions and after a few minutes they decided on the question:

"Can just one cigarette hurt me?"

He made his guess (hypothesis!) -a misguided "no, just one cigarette wouldn't hurt." and we began.

First stop, The American Lung Association. We made an appointment to talk with a representative then drove an hour to get to the nearest office. She gave him numerous pamphlets to read and get information from, and a stack of freebies to add to his display as hand outs. That was genius! The information he got from the pamphlets taught him how the lungs work with the heart and blood stream, and how chemicals from everything we put in our bodies (via food, drink or air) went throughout the entire body. I read them all also and tested him so that he understood what the heck he would be talking about and experimenting for.

She also gave him facts on air intake, lung capacity, and biology of a teen-aged lung. Granted, the "teens" were a few years off, but so was the average age of the first cigarette (back in those days).

The representative told him how the numbers of lung capacity could be converted in to ounces, and how he could make a "lung" from an empty dish soap bottle, plastic fish tank tubing (with the diameter equal to the size of a cigarette so it would fit snuggly inside), and plasticine clay. She gave him the numbers he needed to make a lung, throat, and mouth equal to the size of a 12 -15 year old.

Then we set out to purchase our supplies: the above items and cigarettes. We bought filtered and unfiltered in the most popular brands. He had to do a bunch of leg work to find out the best sellers, but the internet wasn't available then. Things could be easier now!

He emptied out the soap and rinsed the bottle until it was clean. He made a thick rope of plasticine, about the size of your baby finger, and wrapped it around the fish tank filter tubing, attaching it to the neck of the bottle. The tube went through the plasticine and down about an inch into the bottle and up out of the bottle forming the throat and mouth. Another rope of plasticine for the lips and he was done. He made five lungs and labeled them "one cigarette- filtered", "one pack of cigarettes - filtered"; and the same for the unfiltered, plus one to keep "clean" for comparison.

He had to make graphing charts and I took photos to show the before, during, and after shots of the lungs; and of him as he "smoked" the lungs. He placed one cigarette into the outer end of the tubing, and wrapped the plasticine lips securely around the cigarette to make a good seal. Pumping the bottle would make the lung "breathe" and work as the lung "smoked" the cigarette. He wore a mask as he "smoked" to keep as much of the smoke from his lungs as possible. (so did I! gag!)

What he learned was that the chemicals in one cigarette does change blood chemistry, blood pressure and actually do harm you. He also learned the cost of cigarettes was high. Back then if someone smoked one cigarette a day (who does that?) for a year, it would cost the same as our entire family going to Disneyland. If you smoked an entire pack a day for a year, it would cost as much as taking him to Disneyworld, including the flights and hotel!

He made charts for all the info and the 'whys' (vessels constrict thus causing blood pressure to rise, yada yada yada) and also the costs, average age of starting, the stats on how cigarettes were the jump off "drug" for other substances, such as pot, drinking, etc. (Things in this area may have changed by now, but back then usually a kid would try smoking first then the other stuff.) He had his lungs on display along with the clean unused lung to show how much tar and nicotine collected in just the one and one pack...that was dramatic actually. Those, plus the pamphlets, were great in the eyes of the judges.

The thing that put him over the top was that he actually understood the "why's" because of the testing we did and could explain it all clearly to the judges.

Technically it wasn't that hard of a project. He had to read a lot and memorize a lot. But he also learned things that he wouldn't have without the "firsthand" experience. The main work took a couple of hours one Saturday and another hour for him to put it all on his board.

So there you go. Feel free to give it a try. And no, I never got one of the kids to do an experiment entitled: "Will just one shot of whiskey impair my judgment?" dang it, that could have been so much more fun!

a good idea, repeated

I am repeating myself in this post to emphasis a great point, one that -again- I can't claim as my own.

A young mom in our ward found herself in the same situation we all do, frustrated and wondering how her child made it through the day in one piece. She confided over the pulpit that she had made the mistake of putting her child to bed in anger. She tucked her little one into bed with a laundry list of his wrong doings and turned out the light in a huff.

Half way down the hall she heard his tiny voice calling, "Mommy, what about the rights?" In confusion she turned back and asked him to explain. "What rights? What are you talking about?" Her little boy replied that she had told him all the things he did wrong, would she tell him the all the things he did right before he went to sleep?

At this point, her eyes filled with tears and she realized she had sent her child to bed without knowing any of the good things he had accomplished that day. He felt like a failure in his mommy's eyes, unsure of his place, unsure that he was loved. I fear that we all have been in that same position some time during our mothering careers.

I was very humbled to hear this story, feeling my own guilt and wanting to be better. Isn't this a grand idea? She repented right then and there and decided that every night he would be tucked into bed, no matter the prior experiences of the day, with a laundry list of things done right. She admits that the list can be difficult to fill some days, "You were the very best at breathing today!" "You kept your shoes on all the way through lunch!" and other such good deeds. The thing is, he went to bed feeling loved by his mommy.

I don't believe we need to coddle our children, to let them win each time, to take them to every event they are invited to or make sure their life is fair in every way. They need to learn and experience life. However, they should always feel safe when they lie down at night. They should always feel love before they go to sleep.

Part 4: An Example Chart

This is an example of a chart that I made years ago. It has a different colour for each child on the top, and then colours for mom and dad on the bottom. (You can adapt this to your needs.) Each section has five minute increments, beginning with the bedtime and going backwards, which can be marked off.
The bottom of the chart is an illustration that shows that "obedience equals happiness and a correct bedtime" on the left; and that disobedience equals unhappiness and an early bedtime.



You may need to click on each photo to see clearly the illustrations, but you get the idea. And yes, my kids went to bed at 7:00 until they were in 6th grade.

Part 3: Family Home Evening Lesson Outline

Now that you know the basic foundation for the program here is an outline to help your children understand exactly how you will train each other for happiness. The idea is, that instead of arguing and disobedience, choosing to obey, and being disciplined will result in more happiness -which is its own reward. An obvious reward for obedience (using this system) is that everyone will go to bed on time and not have to miss out on family time.

Every time a person chooses disobedience or arguing, that person will take five minutes off of their bedtime. They will recognize their behavior, admit it to the parent, and promise to try and choose better. At the end of the day, one half hour before the earned bedtime, they will begin the bedtime routine. After that time (the half hour before the bedtime) any (each) act of disobedience will result in five minutes off for the following day. If a person goes to bed other than the regular time, that person will not get a story or other bedtime 'perks'. Prayers will be said, the parent will tell the child (at least five) things they did right and tuck them in. If a child goes to bed before dinnertime, they will still go to bed, and when dinner time has come, they will get a sandwich and a glass of milk. They get out of bed only to re-brush their teeth. They only go potty if they get permission. Any "pretending" adds five minutes off the next day.

Every bedtime should include prayers and mom and/or dad sharing (at least five) things the child did correct during that day, reinforcing the good behaviours and letting the child feel forgiven and accepted.

If mom and dad goof up, say a naughty word or whatever you decide, there is a spot on the chart for you to take responsibility for your mistake as well. At the end of the week the children get to decide how to spend those minutes, as a family, with you.

A chart that should be laminated and used with a dry wipe marker to mark off the five minute increments for disobedience. Each person in the family will have their own colour, mom and dad can share colours if you want. Place the chart low enough on the fridge so that every child can mark on it and "read" it easily. An example chart will be posted after this. When you make up your family's chart try to make it so that any non-readers can understand the concept clearly by observing the illustrations.

A key to the success for this system is that you will train yourself NOT to argue or debate with your children. Never. You are the parent, they are the children. You train them, not the other way around. Later, in their teen years they can discuss points, but in tones that are rational and with respect and obedience without argument to your final decision. Your children will not be robots without opinion, but rather young adults who can discuss and accept the will of wiser parents with trust. In turn you may even find they have a great reason and change your opinion due to their self control and good use of language!

Always pattern your parenting to that of Heavenly Father and you'll do fine.

Most all other questions should be answered in the following outline. However, if you come up with a question, feel free to ask away and I will try to explain it better.







Family Night Overview

Opening Song: Choose the Right Way CS 160

Opening Prayer:

Scripture: “ And ye will not suffer your children that they go hungry, or naked; neither will ye suffer that they transgress the laws of God, and fight and quarrel one with another, and serve the devil, who is the master of sin, or who is the evil spirit which hath been spoken of by our fathers, he being an enemy to all righteousness.
But ye will teach them to walk in the ways of truth and soberness; ye will teach them to love one another, and to serve one another.” - Mosiah 4:14-15

Ask each family member to tell of a time when they felt really happy.

Explain that Heavenly Father and Jesus want us to be happy all the time. When we look at the times when we are happy it is usually when we are obedient and following the commandments of God. Commandments are like God’s rules.

Our home also has rules. What are some of our rules?

When we follow the home and family rules we are happy.

Satan does not want our family to be happy. He has come up with a plan to make us sad. It has a name: Contention. (3 Nephi 11:29) Contention means to argue or fight with each other, to use mean voices and angry words. When we disobey the family rules it makes Satan happy and God sad. It makes us sad too. We are Heavenly Father’s children; we feel the same way Heavenly Father feels when we obey and when we do not obey. We do not want contention in our home; we want to feel happy inside.

Our bedtime rule is that the children go to bed at 7:00 so they can have a good night sleep and wake up happy and ready for a new day.

Let’s talk about a new rule to help make us happy. It is a choosing rule. You will get to choose for yourself to obey or disobey.

Do you think it would help if we started to think carefully about our words and actions? Our words and actions need to be nice. We need to speak nicely to each other, not argue or fight, and to obey Mommy and Daddy without arguing.

Do you think we can choose correctly and make Heavenly Father and ourselves happy all the time?

Here is a special chart that will help all of us learn to choose the right and make changes so that we can be a happier family.

If we choose well all day long, we will get to eat dinner with the family and spend family time until our bedtime. Mommy and Daddy will spend the time right before bedtime helping you take a bath, brush your teeth, and get ready for bedtime. We will share a story, tell you the things you did right all day, say our prayers and sing a song before you go to sleep. That would make us all happy, right?

When we choose to disobey, or uses mean words, or argue, we will lose 5 minutes of the day. This means that we will need to go to bed five minutes earlier. If we choose to disobey the family rules we will go to the chart with Mommy or Daddy and cross off the bedtime by five minutes. We will also have to tell Mommy or Daddy what we chose to do wrong and say we are sorry and try to choose better.

It takes us a half hour to get ready for bed. So at the end of the day Mommy or Daddy will check the chart and when we are a half hour from the bedtime you have chosen, we will come and get you and help you get ready for bed. We will help you take your bath, brush your teeth, and get ready for bed. We will say prayers with you, tell you the things you did right, and tuck you in.

We will not get a story or a song if we choose to go to bed early. If we choose to go to bed before dinnertime, when it is dinnertime Mommy or Daddy will bring us a sandwich and a glass of milk. We will not be allowed to get out of bed without permission; if we choose to disobey then we will lose 5 minutes off of the next day. Even if it’s sunny outside or we are not tired we will need to rest quietly in our bed. If we have to go potty, we will need to ask Mommy or Daddy to get out of bed. If we choose to pretend or be disobedient after we are in bed, then we will choose to lose another five minutes for the next day.

_______will be the red colour, _____ will be the blue, and ______will be yellow. Mommy and Daddy will help you to choose the right. If you argue with Mommy or Daddy you are choosing to lose five minutes.

If Mommy and Daddy use angry words or disobey the family rules they will choose to put 5 minutes on the chart. At the end of the week, we will count up all the minutes. The children in the family can decide how to spend the time with Mommy and Daddy.

Do we think we can change for the better and make us all happy? Do you think that Heavenly Father will be happy with us?

I know that Heavenly Father will be very happy that our family is trying to be obedient and not allow Satan to make our choices.

Let’s begin this tomorrow and see how much we more happy we can be by next week!

Closing Song: Quickly I’ll Obey CS 197
Closing Prayer:







In all honesty, the first day we applied this system, #1 went to bed at 3:30! Wow. Not one of the kids made it past 5:30. It was one of the toughest days of my life! The next day it got better, and the day after that it was great. By the end of week two the kids were only missing bedtime by 20 minutes or so. Eventually, (a few years later) we decided that when a child reached the sixth grade they could go to bed "whenever". It was an easy rule, because they were self disciplined by then. They knew the rules, they knew they had to get up at a certain time, no matter what, so they usually chose well.

This disciplined all of us so well that I can also honestly say that I can count on less than one hand the times my kids talked back to me after we implemented this program. Imagine your teenagers NEVER giving you back talk, never raising their voice to you, and rarely to their siblings. It was years of practice, but it worked.

Part 2: The Base

When we think about it, Heavenly Father never argues with anyone. He does not debate. He sets a certain standard and expects us to follow that standard. When we choose to disobey there is an established consequence already in place that follows. The same is true for obedience, there are set rewards for obedience and we receive those rewards according to our obedience to Heavenly Father. This is a great example for us to follow as we parent our children.

Heavenly Father allows us the opportunity to grow and learn, to repent and change. We can take advantage of this gift each time we make a mistake and try to better ourselves immediately. Heavenly Father recognizes the person who is trying to repent. He forgives our mistakes and helps us to listen better to the Spirit, which will help us to choose more wisely our thoughts, actions and words.

Teaching children to understand the process of agency is important. Many times members of the church refer to this as “free agency”. It is true we are “free” to choose, however agency comes with rewards and consequences. We can choose the act, but not the reward or consequence.

Our thoughts lead our words and actions. Helping children to understand they think about their choices before they act is vital to their becoming aware of their agency and their own responsibility. Reminding them that they are constantly choosing for themselves will help them accept the rewards and consequences for their chosen behaviors. Re-enforcing good behavior is always preferred, however children must also have boundaries and understand with clarity when they have crossed over those boundaries.

Little children learn very early on what “yes” and “no” mean. If they can say “no” they understand its’ meaning well enough to begin practicing obedience.

As children grown in understanding they can be taught that only Heavenly Father can refuse to forgive; we are commanded to forgive all. However, when things become very serious, Heavenly Father will remove someone from the group – kind of like “time out”, to keep the group safe from harm. In society, when adults behave badly, in a very serious way, they too are removed from the group and set apart so that they do not harm anyone in the group. This kind of “time out” is called “jail” or “prison”. Their agency is taken away and someone with the proper authority chooses for them. In both of these examples there are times when the person who has behaved badly will repent and be brought back into the group, forgiven and allowed to live, choosing for themselves again. In other cases, when they have behaved so badly they do not repent, they will sit in a "time out" and not be allowed to make their own decisions. They lose their agency because they have not made enough correct decisions. They do not live with their families, friends, or get to leave “time out”.

In our homes children need to understand clearly the boundaries Heavenly Father has set and the ones that we as a family have set. Children need consistency so they can choose correctly each time and know what to expect.

Children need to understand the difference between discipline and punishment. A disciplined child will be educated, love learning, be obedient and eventually live the standards necessary for acceptance into adult society, clubs, etc. and if a member of the church -a temple recommend. Discipline is a gift, most times without tangible rewards. Children will need help recognizing these rewards as they come along. Constant reminders of “hidden” rewards for a disciplined life will help them appreciate rules and boundaries that help them towards goals.

Hidden rewards can be earning good grades, being the good friend, finishing projects, helping others, etc.

Hopefully as we train ourselves to be better parents, our children will become self-disciplinarians and the parent role can evolve (around year 18!) from caregiver and teacher to adviser and friend. “I teach them correct principles and let them govern themselves.” – Joseph Smith

Are you frustrated as a parent? So was I.

A long time ago I found myself alone with five children as Thor went off in search of a dinosaur to whack over the head and throw into our cave. I was out numbered and the offspring got restless. I couldn't blame them or Thor, it was my fault. I was inconsistent and it frustrated everyone.

One particular day I found the very ugly side of myself and thought I was the worst mother in the world. I grew up in a spanking world. I was taught to spank. Spanking solved everything. If I got into trouble I was to go outside, pull down a slim branch, spend a few minutes bending it back and forth until it broke off the tree, and then hand it over to my mother who disciplined me with said twig. Although I never went that far, I did spank and I regret each and every one of those spankings.

I remember them and what is worse, my children remember them. Do we remember what caused them to be spanked? Nope, just the punishment that came from anger and left its emotional mark on my kids. My kids are grown now, and have forgiven their dolt of a mother. I have not.

We have been admonished by a prophet of God, now, recently, to give up the spanking. I wish I had heard that speech when my little ones were little. My spanking was encouraged, even praised, and I had well behaved children to prove the method. However one day I broke. I couldn't do it anymore. So I prayed. Hard.

What I came up with was marvelous. It worked! It was HARD. Especially on me, because I had to change. The training was more for me than the kids. But change I did, and they followed; and after one heck of a week things began to turn very well. I still had the best behaved kids I knew, just without the spanking, arguing and other messes that led to all of our frustrations. My kids were happy and content; and so was I.

So here you go. I have been asked by a few people to finally get this out there in hopes that the masses (read: the 5 people who read this blog) can find it as useful as I did. Please read through all the posts and feel free to adapt it to your particular circumstances and family.

A Venting Housewife Speaks

A few weeks back I was with a group of friends that I blog with over at Conversation. The evening went very well, and it was so nice to finally meet these incredible women and put a face to their words. However, at one point ,as I am want to do, I spewed forth my passionate opinion in a way that came off as a confused mess of words; more than likely not ones that expressed what I was really trying to say, but rather just words.

The subject was "feminism". A hot one for sure and one that I am indeed passionate about. I used to label myself as a feminist. Now I try not to label myself at all, because as I have grown older I realize that everything is black and white, but also shades of gray. (here comes that split personality...) It's is like the story of Les Miserables. Stealing is stealing and to take something that is not yours is wrong. But if you are starving and take a loaf of bread to survive it is much different than stealing a car just for the thrill of it. Black and white, shades of gray.

Feminism. S'mee has incredible problems living in a society that is considered to be the leader of the world in human rights, yet denies so many of these basic rights still. S'mee thinks all of the Congress, Senate and local leaders should "vacation" in the Ozarks for two weeks and live as the Mountain Folk do. Perhaps then we could get somewhere with medical aide, and social programs that would actually help. We have third world conditions within our own borders that seem to elude most of us. Have we not seen the mentally ill out on the street? Have we not witnessed the "not in my back yard" attitude that places more ill in neighborhoods that are to the brink already?

In 2005 how can the United States of America allow states to refuse entrance to country clubs due to religion and race and in some cases sex? However S'mee can understand the rights of refusal to allow entrance to religious buildings due to one's religion and adherence to its' particular laws. It's a conundrum.

S'mee is horrified at the reality of the situation of women in many countries around the world where women are not only devalued, but ignored as human beings. This is where the feminists should focus passions.

S'mee is angry that in some states in our blessed Union, women have lip service as far as their legal rights, but in reality men abuse their power and these same women are underpaid and worse. Case in point, S'mee's daughters having a more difficult time receiving grants, scholarships, and loans, due to their sex and marital status and lack of children.; while men and minorities with the exact same qualification as these young women are eligible for loans, aide, etc.. The U.S. and state governments encourage single women to have children out of wedlock in order to receive financial aide. (#3 was asked to get pregnant without marriage and #5 was told that "your mom needs to be dead and your dad needs to be in prison" before either would qualifiy for certain loans/aide. Both daughters have GPA's 3.9 and above and always have.) This is a "legal" way to oppress women.

S'mee agrees that there are true reasons to be and to label oneself as "feminist". However, S'mee feels it rediculous to label oneself as a feminist and then complain about the oppressions one places upon herself. If I allow you to oppress me, who's fault is it? If I choose to be abused, who is the abuser? I am not talking about women who find themselves in situations, marriages or countries where they have been lulled into abuse. S'mee has and continues to work with Domestic Violence Shelters and acknowledges the patterns of abuse that lead to psychological slavery. I am talking about making free and clear choices and then complaining about it when we could change it if we would. About allowing someone to demean me in my presence and not taking a stand to correct it.

S'mee gets angry at women who, through their "own free will and choice", have said "yes" to husband and children and then complain about their "burdens". Women who live in relative freedom to do as they wish, with husbands who work (either alone or along side of the same women) for the benefit of the family and then complain about their living conditions.

These same women gripe and complain about the silliest things, things which given a few years perspective will appear as just that - silly. Women who have been given challenges such as, "Change Diaper, gasp, make dinner, gasp, pay bills, gasp, doctors appointments, gasp, odd jobs to make ends meet, gasp, entertain 3 young’en, gasp, clean clean clean, gasp, ballet lessons, gasp, avoid punks, gasp, blog, gasp, practice piano, gasp, prepare sunday school lesson, gasp, panic, panic, gasp, gasp. Ahhhhh !!!!!!"1 ; they chose to receive, and then are upset because this is all they have to accomplish. You are the mom. You chose to be a mom. You can act like the mom. Moms have to teach right and wrong and keep the offspring alive and relatively healthy. (Mosiah 4:14-15) You can say "no" once in a while. No one said your kids had to do every thing they want; that food had to be this or that, trendy clothes, or to go to every party they are invited to; no one said the dishes couldn't wait an hour or two or even overnight. You don't have to beat yourself up trying to be the best in town, just the best you.

Did I miss something here? Did the woman who wrote this complaint live in a cave before she was drug -blindfolded, ear plugged, and gagged and forced at gunpoint into her situation, never knowing what was in store for her as a married mother of -gasp- 3 young'en? I think this and statements similar to it reflect the youth, inexperience and ignorance of the authors. Statements like the above make it sound as if this woman was not responsible for her consequences. Perhaps she could have written the following as an explanation. "I was so uneducated about American society and motherhood. I was unobservant as to what it meant to say "yes" to all this. I never noticed my own home life as a child or young adult, I never read a book, I never watched a movie or t.v. I was so self absorbed as a child/young woman that I actually thought married life would be different! I didn't realize that I myself stayed at home needing a mom for 18+ years. I don't know how to say to my husband, "I am pooped, I need help." I had no idea the lug that I married was this way before I chose to marry him. He changed and I stayed the same as I was in high school, pretty, slim, and sweet. I don't know how to communicate my needs and wants and I just take whatever is dished out. I want to complain because I was duped!"

S'mee is frantic with the "feminists" who attached themselves to any religion and then complain about its' statutes and laws. (This does not include women who have grown up in repressive societies where "religion" has been chosen for them, without free will.) Women who accept covenants and laws and receive gifts, keys, and blessings knowing the rewards/consequences and then complain at being uncomfortable with their choice. Women who stand united and raise their hands to sustain leaders and then complain about whom they "sustain". Women who do accept these things, then complain about them say to the world, "I was ignorant and made the choice without regard to the result. I went in blind and came out mad." The women who write these complaints seem educated and able to read, why have they chosen so wrongly? And, whose fault is their condition?

Women who vote for this leader or that and then complain while said leader is in office. Women who complain about the children of the world who are essentially slave labour in foreign countries, and workers of both genders who are enslaved in off shore companies and then turn around and shop at Banana Republic, Jones New York, Abercrombie and Fitch, and other "fine" manufacturers who do such practices as "good business". Women who shop Walmart because they want to pay less while others are being paid less due to their sex to work and maintain the store (and it's profit margin). Women who say they are feminists who really just are self-ists.

S'mee thinks most (not all) of these women have latched onto a cause in an effort to vent their self anger and blame someone else for their poor choices. Women who need validation from other "smart intelligent" women instead of finding their own worth. Women who, for some odd reason, can't feel their own worth because they are worried about the differences in biological functions. Women who buy into what they hear instead of searching it out for themselves, or who close their minds to the fact that they just might learn something later they don't understand now. Women who forget that there is always Someone smarter and that eventually all things will make sense; eventually can mean in a year or two, or eternally. Women who think they are as smart as they will ever be and no one else understands more than they. Women who by their own words say they are valued, but search out daily those who would demean them and devalue them. They feed upon the muck of the world instead of really making a difference. They gather together like geese, and snap at anyone who oppose them in view. Isn't that a main point of feminism? To allow each individual the right to think their own thoughts? Perhaps it only means you have the right to agree with me but not to disagree, or you are stupid, uneducated, or have your head in the sand. ( I know, I can hear you now. I have just said the same. But at least I am acknowledging I can be wrong.)

I propose feminism to be a doctrine advocating the social, political, and economic rights for women equal to those of men. If that means you are upset about your religion, leave it. If your boyfriend is a jerk don't marry him. If your husband demeans you, correct him. If you don't want to be a mom, don't become pregnant in the first place. If anyone abuses or demeans you, don't put up with it, do something meaningful to change that. Use your votes in ways that matter. Work for the things that will matter in the long run. Do not accept lower wages for the same quality work and do not support merchants who do. Stop shopping without researching where and how it came into that store. Stop worrying about being the same as your neighbors, you're not and you never will be. Stop killing yourself trying to be what others want you to be. Find your own value and build your relationship with God. Stop mocking sacred things you do not yet have a full understanding of.

If I say that I am XYZ then people who read me will assume, whether for good or ill, that all I say somehow reflects on XYZ. There is a responsibility I have to try to represent XYZ folk in a reasonable manner. If I then choose to ridicule XYZ folk, practices, or leaders that is also a reflection. I hope that what I choose to proclaim does not reflect poorly on that which I deem most high and of value, including my own sex.

Perhaps some of these women could re-label themselves, Venting Housewives, and it would be more appropriate.

1. quote taken from the blog "Feminist Mormon Housewives"

she's come undone....

O.k. So I made a trip up to Utah just to get my daughter's dress measurements and to alter her dress so that it fit correctly. A misunderstanding between she and S'mee led to the dress not being altered at all. AT the wedding she was the gal in the size to large periwinkle number. But she looked "o.k." : l We both thought the other didn't want it altered. UGH! Anywho that dress and the other sister's dress both needed 3 inches taken off the three (yes folks -3!) layers of hems.

S'mee had #5 pin her dress in hopes of altering the mother of the groom dress.

Actually the alterations on my dress went better than I had expected. I got a pretty good fit from the marking's #5 made and after a couple of goes it was as good as it could get. O.k. So then I have #3 mark it for hemline. When I purchased the dress it was made for a nice tall Norwegian, or perhaps an exceptional Amazonian woman. Either way this dress had, not only a very long "line" but an actual train! Not as long as a bride would have, but a definite train about 8 to 12 inches. Measuring the front and finding my toes would have been an easy way to determine how much to take off, but with a train she would have to go all the way around and find the floor measurement. Grrr. But #3 did a great job.

Monday"

S'mee made the marks on all three dresses for hems, and went in search of the proper needle and a rolled hemming foot. "CLOSED MONDAYS" Ugh! I need to wait for Tuesday.

Tuesday:

SO I purchase what I need. All of the sudden everything in the world falls apart and by the time I get around to sewing, things are put off for one more day.

Wednesday:

I started with my dress and after hemming the inside fabric (very nicely, thank you) I began on the outer layer. NOt for the life of me could I get that fabric to work. I tried it all, all the tricks I could think of, tissue didn't even help. The machine wasn't "eating" the fabric it was just shredding it. I used "fray check". NOPE. Nada. Zip. So I resorted to a very ugly hem and called it a day. We needed to be YM/YW and I had run out o' time!

Thursday.

Not wanting to shred the three layers of the bridal party dresses I decided to have them hemmed by a professional. HEMMED BY A PROFESSIONAL? Yikes, how the mighty have fallen. Hemmed. Are you kidding me? But I was disparate and so, yes, I succumbed and found an alterations seamstress.

"$35.00 each dress you want hurry coast you more money."

Forget that! What is it with the $70.00 alterations lately? Egads. I find another option and this seamstress is only asking $15.00. Oh joy! Oh rapture! I drop off the dresses and tell the gal I will pick them up tomorrow at 3:30. (She needs all day to fit in our "rush" - but who cares at this point?) She closes at 4:00. No problem! Friday at 3:30, plenty of time and I am happy and grateful and stress free! YES!

Thursday night: Meet down at the church to begin decorating!

Our Big Fat Wedding begins....

Dateline: Thursday night. Two days after the endowment - which went GREAT, so cool, so wonderful to see your kid in the temple, doing the right thing and ready to be doing it. What a blessing from Heavenly Father!

So it's Thursday and we are now in the exact middle. 2 days after the endowment and two days before the wedding/sealing! Mother of the Bride (K) is going into high gear and she has a plan. Unfortunately her plan was tilted a tad by a very unpleasant false ceiling gal and her crew. "K" had seen the ceiling lady's work many times before and was impressed. A billowing cloud full of twinkle lights was ordered and expected. Long story short, the ceiling expert was miffed because "K" wanted this material instead of that material and what she eventually got was a flat ceiling made of tulle. 61/2 hours for a flat tulle ceiling. Ridiculous. More than that, ceiling lady made such a fuss about it that she refused to work if anyone was in the room, so all the help "K" had organized had to be sent home without being able to help at all.

At 12:00 midnight "K" decided to pull the plug on the ceiling and call it. It was what it was and there wasn't anything she could do about it. Let's all go home. Hmmm. Where's the doohickey that closes and locks the door? (search search search) At 12:30 a phone call was made, a Bishop was awakened from his sleep, and by 1:00 the doohickey was found, building secured and all out and headed home.

8:00 Friday: Day before the wedding. 2 moms, one bride, and one little brother are able to meet and set up for the big party. 18 tables, 180 chairs, 4 buffet tables, 2 gift tables, one cake table, and one punch table are set up and dressed. All tables have white brocade table clothes. All 180 chairs are dressed with floor length tailored covers. The large tables with floor length clothes as well. A runner of periwinkle and celery plaid is placed on all tables, the seating tables topped with floral arrangements of hydrangea, orchids, and star lilies in clear glass vases. They sit atop a mirror with 6 small tea lights and cracked "glass" chips for colour. The larger tables have double sided ribbon swags with small wreaths at the centers and corners made of tiny hydrangea blossoms, green baby apples, and eucalyptus.

The stage was draped with white fabric to resemble a "water fall" with twinkling lights underneath, tulle fluffs along the top edge, again with lights, and a floral swag of hydrangea, green apples, and eucalyptus. Behind the fluff were draped stands that held 9 photos of the new couple interspersed with three cut crystal hurricane lamps with candles.

The cake and buffet tables had the same effect as the stage with the "white water fall". The cake table was dressed with a large silver cake plateau. The cake was 3 tier, extremely smooth whipped cream frosting, decorated with woven pearls strands and pearl points. In between the tiers were full sized fresh hydrangeas and the top was the bride's mother's cake top, a crystal blown glass heart with doves.

The Punch bowl were placed inside green apple wreaths.

The buffet was decorated with lighted food stands, topiaries of green apple, and fruit skewers. All the tables had tulle fluff and the cracked "glass chips" along with fine glitter sprinkled over all for shimmer, and were lit from underneath with special lights to create a pretty glow.

Back drops were made by the groom out of wrought iron and painted black. They were "Shepard's crooks", 2, one on each side, draped in the center with periwinkle satin, gently gathered. They stood 7 feet tall and about 4 feet wide. Each curl on the crook held a small candle lit glass lantern. Behind the buffet there were five of these back drops and one each behind the cake and punch tables.

There was a fog machine and bubble machine that were set to work for certain dances to give it a terrific effect.

The entry table was placed in the foyer of the building under a large painting of the Savior's Second Coming. The blues and periwinkles of that picture along with the bridal photos blended perfectly and set the tone for the evening. A large vase of fresh hydrangeas, orchids and star lilies was placed behind the guest book and temple photos.

The surrounding walls in the reception hall were covered with draped and pleated tulle, topped with a fluffy border with twinkle lights behind. The tulle ceiling was still pretty flat, but the bride made beautiful crystal "rain drops" that hung all over the room, making the ceiling quite glittery and gorgeous. It was really great.

The room was lit well by the twinkle lights, up-lights, and candles (battery) quite well.

By 9:00 that night we were able to leave, satisfied with the result. Pretty.

By 9:00 S'mee remembered that she left the bridesmaids' dresses at the now closed alterations store without the ability to call because S'mee didn't have the phone number to call and if she did, HELLO! WE'RE CLOSED!!! A drive by the store revealed she does not work the weekends. Dresses would be hostage until Monday, 2 days after the wedding. Smooth one S'mee.

childhood

Over at Conversation they are having a thread on the book, "The Secret Life Of Bees". It struck me that some folks actually had such good childhoods they could not/cannot comprehend the disastrous situations that may occur in others. It is hard for them to conceive of children being traumatized to the points they are by people who "love" them. Or that life in general hand some folks a lot more odd/dangerous/unrealistic events than "normal" kids. I think this is a good thing in a way. Seeing the world as a place where "too much" is over the top and could never have happened.

For me, it was often the opposite. The "too much" was my reality and I could not comprehend, even into my adulthood, that things could be "as good" as they were sometimes portrayed. Life was a never ending drama filled with running from and into adult troubles, terror, and living like people in the newspapers and t.v. As an adult I find it amusing that I can relate to almost any situation via a personal childhood experience!

I had a mother that "loved" me. For me, from my viewpoint, which may or may not be correct, I felt that love was different than the love my siblings shared with dear ol' mom. I can hear you saying, "Well, DUH! Every kid feels like the picked on one." It's Tommy Smothers all over again, "Ma always did love you best." But I really felt the difference.

There are too many reference points I could illustrate, but after I had grown up and looked it all over, I could see that each of my siblings felt the same real lack of love, just in different areas of their own. We have a "different" kind of mom. Love is there, but it isn't the love we feel for our own children and for our spouses; and that has made things very clear for us as adults. It's the kind of love that has to be there out of some sort of responsibility or to keep "losing face" at bay. The kind of love that is there to promote one's self sacrificing when really, the sacrificing wasn't there- or could have been diminished by being a "normal" definition of "mom". She worked hard, no one doubted that, but the whole mom gig wasn't her cup of tea; and we all felt it and carried the burden we gave her with us - even to this day. (mom=sacrifice kid=burden, pick a category and label yourself. we were an ungrateful, greedy, collective burden to mom's selfless and never-ending sacrifice.)

The following is an illustration at how I began to grow out of childhood thinking and into what was reality or the "norm".
When I was 2 months pregnant with #3 my appendix burst. If you have ever had this experience you know the kind of pain and how it progresses. It began for me as a "really bad intestinal flu" and progressed to the stage where I literally could not un-coil myself from a fetal position. I was sane enough, but MAN! it was pretty intense.

At the point of not being able to function enough to care for the two older, yet toddler-esque children I did not panic, but went through my options for assistance. #1 Thor. He was at work, far from home and would be home later that night tired, but could take over if I was not better. So I thought, "better try for someone else who can just take the kids for a few hours." This led me to review friends first. This was prior to cell phones and after finding no one home I resorted to the sisters in law who lived in my community. 2 of them were also not home, but the third was. Let me tell you it was very difficult for me to call this woman and ask for a favor, but by this time I was concerned for my children and needed help whether or not it was via this sister in law. It wasn't that she and I didn't get along, it was just this gal doesn't open the door to her own mother who may have traveled a while to see her. (but that's a different dysfunctional family!) I made the call and, to her credit, she came over.

One look at my ability to mask pain, she pronounced her diagnosis: not the flu, but losing the baby! I knew, deep inside, that I was not losing the baby, but forgetting all the Marcus Welby MD episodes I had seen, I dis-associated the "lower right side+intense pain" equaling appendicitis and clung to "flu" instead. That, and there is no possible way one can be pregnant and have appendicitis, right? So I just wanted her to take the kids until Thor got home. She would not have it and we headed to the hospital that was one hour away.

I called my mom. I told her my sis-in-law thought I was losing the baby and was headed to the hospital. She replied with questions and a follow up of "let me know how it goes." Which in reality did not shock me, nor hurt my feelings. I did not expect any other reaction and the phone call was just to inform her of the daily happenings.

After waking up from surgery I was faced with strong wrath from my father-in-law. His anger and absolute rage sprang from not being called, from not being allowed to care for me. I almost couldn't wrap my mind around why he was so angry at not being called. My end of it was reason. "If I called my own mother and she didn't seem interested, why the heck would you?" Even I knew that a mom (supposedly) was the one person you could count on, that one person who loved you above all others. And if she didn't care, no one else would or should! I couldn't understand that my father-in-law was scared to death for my safety, my child's safety, and had been insulted by not being allowed to help, pray, or even just take care of the grandkids. I couldn't understand how he could worry that much about me. I could get that he actually loved me, it was weird. Really weird. All that fuss because he loved me.

Childhood ideas taught me that I didn't matter. Grown up events began to change things, although there are still bugs in the system that was wired so long ago.

Now, the first call for help is to those I can trust to help me. I go where I can count on love. Dear mother is frustrated when she sees that I actually get along with other folks, it hurts her feelings and I feel guilty over it. But eventually one learns about real love. About real sacrifice. About real burden.

And eventually one learns that not everyone had the funkiness that I had. Some had the ideal. Some had good. And some grew up a lot faster than even I did.